Just read about the mother who strangled her two autistic children, claiming that she couldn't handle them anymore. In her demented mind, she seemed to think that their behavior justified her own horrific actions. Plus she insisted that we try to understand her plight, her fears, her situation, that we place ourselves in her position. But try as we might, killing our own children, regardless of their disability, is beyond comprehension.
Assuming her madness, the extreme state of her fragile mind, her feeling of hopelessness, and her desire to escape her cage of parental responsibility, we still wonder at a woman who had nowhere to turn, who gave up, who sought no help, who destroyed lives while destroying her own soul.
But rather than focus on the mother, let's take a moment to think about the children. Not knowing enough particulars to speak accurately, I feel a need to remind people that nobody wants to be autistic. This is not a desirable trait nor a choice. Children are not born hoping to be autistic. It is not a profession, an ambition, a dream in any sense. Autism is a disability that continues to afflict millions of children and adults. Unlike poor judgment or indecision, autism is not something that a child takes upon himself for attention or desire or success. It is not something to be rewarded or affirmed--"You are doing such a great job of being autistic." It is not a desirable disability. Children don't want it and parents do not want it for their children.
But it happens. It doesn't always happen to other people, it can happen to your children or your grandchildren. It is not an abstract, albeit oddly fascinating event that we read about in science fiction books or watch movies hoping to learn a little about the curious disability known as autism, it is real and those afflicted are around you.
A child with autism cannot suddenly change himself, rid himself of the disability, or pretend to understand the outside world. The world is a mystery compounded by the inability to adjust easily to the social norms of culture. Social contractarianism, a process children learn as they grow, is without any kind of meaning to a child with autism. It is a tough existence for a child as well as a parent, working hard to find a way to cope in a world that is entirely different from the world inside the head.
But there is also good news. There is a lot of help for parents and for children suffering with autism. While it is vastly difficult, and at times seems hopeless, in reality hope is prevalent and help is a phone call, email, book, or video away. For those whose lives are filled with despair with seemingly nowhere to turn, I encourage you to find a support group and learn how to help your child adjust. To the mother who destroyed her children as well as her own soul, perhaps the only good is the reminder that autism is serious and we should always urge those suffering to avoid the same vicious trappings of loneliness and hopelessness. Seek help. There are many who want to help.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Materialism and another loss
Walking back to the office following a funeral of a good man, I found myself reflecting again on the story he told me several years ago. Choc Wetzel, public school administrator, cowboy, family man, deacon of the church, and all round great man, once told me a story that has stayed with me.
We were driving from his place to my little place in Bangs with an old billy goat in the back of the trailer when he suddenly pointed to a spot by the highway and said, "That's God's land right there." I looked at him rather perplexed and saw a glow on his face. He told me that when his wife was in great pain from the cancer that was ravaging her body, he needed $25,000 for a surgery that would relieve her pain and prolong her life. The only way to get the money was to sell his beloved land, a small ranch he had worked all his life to acquire, the dream of his life where his horses and goats lived. Yet there was no choice. The love of his wife far surpassed the love of his ranch or his animals. She may have been against it, but without hesitation he knew he was willing to sacrifice anything for her comfort.
Waking up to get dressed and heading for the bank to finalize the sell, the doorbell rang. Standing at the door was an official looking man in a business suit. The man asked Choc who owned the little strip of land out by the highway. Choc laughed because although he owned it, the small parcel of land was worthless due to being too close too the highway and filled with caliche. The man then offered him $25,000 for it. The Glen Rose power plant needed it to extend their system.
In shock and humility, Choc accepted the offer and was able to pay for his wife's surgery. Choc and his wife are gone now, and walking with the Lord in Paradise, but the story lives on--a story of sacrifice and providence, a story that demonstrates the depth of love a man had for his wife and the love of the great Shepherd as He protects His flock.
I am changing I think and losing some of my earlier materialism. Big houses and lots of stuff no longer impress me. I find myself needing to minimize my life a little. This could be due to the amazing power of the computer and instant communication with the world. Or it could be that with a computer, music, books, friends, transportation, and coffee I am happy. I don't need a large TV, fancy chairs, expensive pens, or all the stuff that fills our lives. Just some basic needs these days (okay, that seems silly since I do like my truck, my nice clothes, hat, computer, etc.). The visit to the Biltmore mansion had the opposite effect on me I believe than most people experience. Other than the book collection which represents knowledge, nothing really meant much to me. Just a big house with lots of old stuff. Sorry to be so earthy, but it just felt excessive to me.
Relationships and knowledge reign supreme over the acquisition of stuff or the accumulation of wealth. My joy is not dependent on the objects around me but rather is found in the Lord, my family, my friends, and the peace within.
We were driving from his place to my little place in Bangs with an old billy goat in the back of the trailer when he suddenly pointed to a spot by the highway and said, "That's God's land right there." I looked at him rather perplexed and saw a glow on his face. He told me that when his wife was in great pain from the cancer that was ravaging her body, he needed $25,000 for a surgery that would relieve her pain and prolong her life. The only way to get the money was to sell his beloved land, a small ranch he had worked all his life to acquire, the dream of his life where his horses and goats lived. Yet there was no choice. The love of his wife far surpassed the love of his ranch or his animals. She may have been against it, but without hesitation he knew he was willing to sacrifice anything for her comfort.
Waking up to get dressed and heading for the bank to finalize the sell, the doorbell rang. Standing at the door was an official looking man in a business suit. The man asked Choc who owned the little strip of land out by the highway. Choc laughed because although he owned it, the small parcel of land was worthless due to being too close too the highway and filled with caliche. The man then offered him $25,000 for it. The Glen Rose power plant needed it to extend their system.
In shock and humility, Choc accepted the offer and was able to pay for his wife's surgery. Choc and his wife are gone now, and walking with the Lord in Paradise, but the story lives on--a story of sacrifice and providence, a story that demonstrates the depth of love a man had for his wife and the love of the great Shepherd as He protects His flock.
I am changing I think and losing some of my earlier materialism. Big houses and lots of stuff no longer impress me. I find myself needing to minimize my life a little. This could be due to the amazing power of the computer and instant communication with the world. Or it could be that with a computer, music, books, friends, transportation, and coffee I am happy. I don't need a large TV, fancy chairs, expensive pens, or all the stuff that fills our lives. Just some basic needs these days (okay, that seems silly since I do like my truck, my nice clothes, hat, computer, etc.). The visit to the Biltmore mansion had the opposite effect on me I believe than most people experience. Other than the book collection which represents knowledge, nothing really meant much to me. Just a big house with lots of old stuff. Sorry to be so earthy, but it just felt excessive to me.
Relationships and knowledge reign supreme over the acquisition of stuff or the accumulation of wealth. My joy is not dependent on the objects around me but rather is found in the Lord, my family, my friends, and the peace within.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Baptist All-State and more
We sang at the Astros game and had a blast. Astros won with two homers and some tight pitching. Just a fun day all the way around. Worship time was also great and several students felt the moving of the Holy spirit.
In spite of the lower numbers, I am encouraged by Baptist All-State this year and the quality of the students. In addition to having strong players in the band and excellent singers in the choir, the attitude of the students is positive. They diligently apply Christian principles in their worldview and seek Godly wisdom in their decisions.
Plus the students are just plain fun. They laugh easily, love the Lord, love music, and treat each other with respect and dignity (mostly anyway!). I love to see students holding doors, picking up trash, carrying trays for each other, offering to help, and generally exhibiting a servant like attitude toward others. Our trip to a residential center for adults with functional disabilities further demonstrated the compassion and loving spirit of our students as they interacted with autistics, down syndrome clients, and various disabled adults. It was heart-warming and touching in all respects.
The musical experience was positive and the audience response tremendous in all our concerts. The adults and the students worked together to create a week of music giving glory to God and expressing the joy of the Lord. I hope to see continued commitment to this fine institution. Next summer, I will be directing the band! Can't wait.
In spite of the lower numbers, I am encouraged by Baptist All-State this year and the quality of the students. In addition to having strong players in the band and excellent singers in the choir, the attitude of the students is positive. They diligently apply Christian principles in their worldview and seek Godly wisdom in their decisions.
Plus the students are just plain fun. They laugh easily, love the Lord, love music, and treat each other with respect and dignity (mostly anyway!). I love to see students holding doors, picking up trash, carrying trays for each other, offering to help, and generally exhibiting a servant like attitude toward others. Our trip to a residential center for adults with functional disabilities further demonstrated the compassion and loving spirit of our students as they interacted with autistics, down syndrome clients, and various disabled adults. It was heart-warming and touching in all respects.
The musical experience was positive and the audience response tremendous in all our concerts. The adults and the students worked together to create a week of music giving glory to God and expressing the joy of the Lord. I hope to see continued commitment to this fine institution. Next summer, I will be directing the band! Can't wait.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Joel and Packing
Joel's world is ordered. Without a sense of order, Joel has trouble functioning. As pointed out earlier, he can accept a certain amount of ambiguity provided it is planned ambiguity. For example, the bus picks him up everyday between 12:15 and 1:30. It would be ideal to establish the precise time of pick up, but unfortunately the system does not allow for that. Yet Joel is comfortable knowing it will happen within that established framework, planning for the somewhat nebulous time for arrival.
But overall he needs order to find meaning and cannot live in a constant state of confusion or randomness. This weakness, if indeed it is a weakness, is related to his lack of creativity and imagination. Looking at this from another direction, with exceptions people with a messy desk, car, or who lead a spontaneous lifestyle generally have a greater degree of personal creativity and imagination. Obviously this generalization has a consequence in that extremes are rarely beneficial in any kind of sense.
As an aside, I knew a very creative but dysfunctional musician whose lifestyle and personal habits were completely without order, resulting in total physical and personal messes without any kind of productivity at any time. It ultimately caused his own health and career demise demonstrating how any extreme rarely has any gain.
Joel, however, uncomfortable with spontaneity, missing an imagination, and not developing a sense of dreams, replaces this ingredient with a need for order amidst the chaos of the world. Loving to travel but needing to know where, how long, what to bring, and what the trip entails, he packs accordingly and specifically. Obviously this is not an unusual trait, for many people prefer to pack fastidiously, planning for the trip and any contingencies.
Where Joel differs is in his system of packing and determining the items for the trip. He lays out his clothes in order of days, sets out his personal items, creates a spot for other things--Italian dictionary for example, counts the items within the stacks and packs accordingly. He then applies the number needed, exacting the items numerically. This means that if he has packed 8 personal items on the trip, there is something missing since there should be 9. He then seeks out the 9th item whatever that may be. While most people simply make sure their deodorant is present, he instead numbers it among the 9 personal items needed. After counting the total, he then seeks out the precise number of the item.
When we were returning to Texas from North Carolina on a recent trip, he was somewhat perplexed since item number 7 was missing. Thinking through it, he found item number 7, a razor, in the shower. This completed the total and allowed him to finish packing for the return trip. His system works for him and demonstrates his continued need for order and systems. He is lacking in creativity and imagination and yet it is easy to see that he simply rewrites the definitions of those terms according to his own needs. Seems to me that it takes imagination to organize his life by his system. We may not always understand it, but we do respect it.
But overall he needs order to find meaning and cannot live in a constant state of confusion or randomness. This weakness, if indeed it is a weakness, is related to his lack of creativity and imagination. Looking at this from another direction, with exceptions people with a messy desk, car, or who lead a spontaneous lifestyle generally have a greater degree of personal creativity and imagination. Obviously this generalization has a consequence in that extremes are rarely beneficial in any kind of sense.
As an aside, I knew a very creative but dysfunctional musician whose lifestyle and personal habits were completely without order, resulting in total physical and personal messes without any kind of productivity at any time. It ultimately caused his own health and career demise demonstrating how any extreme rarely has any gain.
Joel, however, uncomfortable with spontaneity, missing an imagination, and not developing a sense of dreams, replaces this ingredient with a need for order amidst the chaos of the world. Loving to travel but needing to know where, how long, what to bring, and what the trip entails, he packs accordingly and specifically. Obviously this is not an unusual trait, for many people prefer to pack fastidiously, planning for the trip and any contingencies.
Where Joel differs is in his system of packing and determining the items for the trip. He lays out his clothes in order of days, sets out his personal items, creates a spot for other things--Italian dictionary for example, counts the items within the stacks and packs accordingly. He then applies the number needed, exacting the items numerically. This means that if he has packed 8 personal items on the trip, there is something missing since there should be 9. He then seeks out the 9th item whatever that may be. While most people simply make sure their deodorant is present, he instead numbers it among the 9 personal items needed. After counting the total, he then seeks out the precise number of the item.
When we were returning to Texas from North Carolina on a recent trip, he was somewhat perplexed since item number 7 was missing. Thinking through it, he found item number 7, a razor, in the shower. This completed the total and allowed him to finish packing for the return trip. His system works for him and demonstrates his continued need for order and systems. He is lacking in creativity and imagination and yet it is easy to see that he simply rewrites the definitions of those terms according to his own needs. Seems to me that it takes imagination to organize his life by his system. We may not always understand it, but we do respect it.
Friday, July 02, 2010
It's a mess, but what the heck!
Okay, true that church music is a mess. Who knows what it should be or even is today? Should we be "contemporary"? or "traditional"? or "blended"? or "liturgical"? or "rock"? or "classical"? or "WHAT?" It is just a hodge-podge of abject confusion with no foundational past or projected future. In fact I am not even sure what my own preferences are anymore. Organ? Drums? Guitars? Orchestra? Piano? Acapella? Rock? Jazz? Classical? Choir? Praise team? Solos? Tracks? Slow? Fast? Loud? Soft?
Growing up in a Gospel/Baptist style, I quickly became a skilled and academically trained musician resulting in a plethora of professional experiences as a horn player, conductor, composer, and manager. In church settings, I have had opportunities to perform in Roman Catholic services, Jewish services, Methodist, Presbyterian, Unitarian, and several ethnic related denominations. From "high church" to "gospel/country" style, I have done it all and oddly have loved it all (okay, most of it anyway). Drop me into an Anglican church singing old hymns with an organ leading the way and a small call and response choir and I am happy.
Conversely, I am completely comfortable in a Gospel setting or rock contemporary or even African-American stylized emotional service. I can move with the best of them and have a charismatic (not tongues, don't worry) side that comes through occasionally. I love Praise and Worship music and am always eager to hear the latest chorus, but I also love "cultivated" choral music of John Rutter or "classical" string playing of Bach or a Handel Organ Sonata. It all plays a role in my faith and my joy of the Lord.
But to return to the question--what is right? What kind of of music, what style, what approach is the right one for churches today? At Ridgecrest, while the piano was important, it was the trap set that drove the music. Except for the Dennis Jernigan concert which was voice and piano, the drums set the tone and style for every hymn or chorus performed. In Biblical times, the drum set did not exist as we know it today. Perhaps this is a good reason to reject it. On the other hand, very little that we have today existed in Biblical times--instruments, lights, carpets, microphones, computers, even dress shoes, etc. Are the drums in themselves pagan or adversely secular? Scripture references drums and cymbals! Is it the beat of the music that is offensive, reminding us of hard rock on the radio with its sexually oriented words? Does a trap set move music from being "cultivated" or "classical" to being "populist" and youth oriented? Or does a trap set simply attempt to cross generation lines and give the music a familiar drive, modernizing old hymns and making them fresh?
Should my academic training govern my preference for "cultivated" or "artistic" church music? Probably not but it is hard to escape just the same. Sometimes I remember the old days at Music week in Glorieta where we focused on a large oratorio by a well-known composer and used a full orchestra and where the magnificent organ drove the hymns to great musical heights. And I get a little tired of the trap set at times and the constant syncopated rhythms of the choruses and the "building up" style of choruses and church music today. Sometimes I long for the days of simplicity and homophony of the hymns where we sang in four-part harmony and did all stanzas (or at least 3 of them!).
And yet there is no denying the powerful emotion of today's church music with its driving rhythms, punctuated text, personal statements, and extremes of joy and sentiment. While I once abhorred those crazed charismatics who lifted their hands toward God in a cheap display of their own false piousness, I now share in that experience which is a glorious way to reach out and physically express a closeness to the Lord our Savior. I cast my judgmental nature aside and accept the myriad ways to express my deepest thoughts of God's goodness. No more anger, no more intolerance, no more criticism (okay, at least not as vitriolic anyway), and no more selfishness, I now realize that God can bless us when we come to Him with an attitude of love, tolerance, and devotion.
Does this mean I have no more standards for music making in church? Absolutely not for I will ALWAYS battle for excellence regardless of the style presented. We should strive for the best in terms of accuracy, sound, text, harmony, and joy. It all plays a part in the worship experience. Praise God for giving us the opportunity to sing and play to Him. Thank God for forgiving us our painful judgments against our fellow man.
Yes, I miss the old days but I love the new days also. Mainly I feel blessed every time I join with my fellow Christians in Praise. Church music is a mess because mankind is a mess. But what the heck, let's jump in and worship in spite of our failings, doing our best to worship Him, and loving each other, setting aside our differences for the sake of the greater good.
Growing up in a Gospel/Baptist style, I quickly became a skilled and academically trained musician resulting in a plethora of professional experiences as a horn player, conductor, composer, and manager. In church settings, I have had opportunities to perform in Roman Catholic services, Jewish services, Methodist, Presbyterian, Unitarian, and several ethnic related denominations. From "high church" to "gospel/country" style, I have done it all and oddly have loved it all (okay, most of it anyway). Drop me into an Anglican church singing old hymns with an organ leading the way and a small call and response choir and I am happy.
Conversely, I am completely comfortable in a Gospel setting or rock contemporary or even African-American stylized emotional service. I can move with the best of them and have a charismatic (not tongues, don't worry) side that comes through occasionally. I love Praise and Worship music and am always eager to hear the latest chorus, but I also love "cultivated" choral music of John Rutter or "classical" string playing of Bach or a Handel Organ Sonata. It all plays a role in my faith and my joy of the Lord.
But to return to the question--what is right? What kind of of music, what style, what approach is the right one for churches today? At Ridgecrest, while the piano was important, it was the trap set that drove the music. Except for the Dennis Jernigan concert which was voice and piano, the drums set the tone and style for every hymn or chorus performed. In Biblical times, the drum set did not exist as we know it today. Perhaps this is a good reason to reject it. On the other hand, very little that we have today existed in Biblical times--instruments, lights, carpets, microphones, computers, even dress shoes, etc. Are the drums in themselves pagan or adversely secular? Scripture references drums and cymbals! Is it the beat of the music that is offensive, reminding us of hard rock on the radio with its sexually oriented words? Does a trap set move music from being "cultivated" or "classical" to being "populist" and youth oriented? Or does a trap set simply attempt to cross generation lines and give the music a familiar drive, modernizing old hymns and making them fresh?
Should my academic training govern my preference for "cultivated" or "artistic" church music? Probably not but it is hard to escape just the same. Sometimes I remember the old days at Music week in Glorieta where we focused on a large oratorio by a well-known composer and used a full orchestra and where the magnificent organ drove the hymns to great musical heights. And I get a little tired of the trap set at times and the constant syncopated rhythms of the choruses and the "building up" style of choruses and church music today. Sometimes I long for the days of simplicity and homophony of the hymns where we sang in four-part harmony and did all stanzas (or at least 3 of them!).
And yet there is no denying the powerful emotion of today's church music with its driving rhythms, punctuated text, personal statements, and extremes of joy and sentiment. While I once abhorred those crazed charismatics who lifted their hands toward God in a cheap display of their own false piousness, I now share in that experience which is a glorious way to reach out and physically express a closeness to the Lord our Savior. I cast my judgmental nature aside and accept the myriad ways to express my deepest thoughts of God's goodness. No more anger, no more intolerance, no more criticism (okay, at least not as vitriolic anyway), and no more selfishness, I now realize that God can bless us when we come to Him with an attitude of love, tolerance, and devotion.
Does this mean I have no more standards for music making in church? Absolutely not for I will ALWAYS battle for excellence regardless of the style presented. We should strive for the best in terms of accuracy, sound, text, harmony, and joy. It all plays a part in the worship experience. Praise God for giving us the opportunity to sing and play to Him. Thank God for forgiving us our painful judgments against our fellow man.
Yes, I miss the old days but I love the new days also. Mainly I feel blessed every time I join with my fellow Christians in Praise. Church music is a mess because mankind is a mess. But what the heck, let's jump in and worship in spite of our failings, doing our best to worship Him, and loving each other, setting aside our differences for the sake of the greater good.
North Carolina and music
Being our last day in North Carolina at the Ridgecrest conference center, I feel a need to write a few words of our experience. It is certainly beautiful here among the trees and rolling hills that become mountains of greenery and gentle aesthetic joy. Giant trees adorn the cascading landscape and seem to tower above the land, touching the blue sky that blankets the world in mesmerizing magic.
At first I felt rather claustrophobic in that things seemed close together and the sky was so far away. In Texas, particularly as one travels West, the sky feels close and the sight line extends for miles. Yet here in North Carolina, the sight is limited and one feels like a bird sitting in a nest wondering what glories exist outside of the home. But after a time, I began to accept the landscape and now feel as though a security comforter surrounds me. Different from Texas but splendid in grandeur.
The week itself was enriching in many ways--musically, spiritually, and physically. Highlights include a marvelous concert by Dennis Jernigan, a Christian artist with a strong testimony, immense talent, and an enviable career. Yet many great musicians walked the steps of Ridgecrest this week--Michael Adler, Dick Tunney, Craig Adams, Jay Rouse, the Sisters, and Brian Free and Assurance. One great song after another kept us engaged in worship. Fast, gospel, slow, meaningful, powerful music seemed to merge together to form an unforgettable experience for everyone present. It is hard to say which moment or which song was the favorite.
A side excursion took us to the monumental and famous Biltmore Mansion and estate where we walked and walked from room to room through the gardens and onward to the farm and winery. The magnificent structure was totally captivating including the pantry, dining rooms, exercise room, indoor pool, music room, and lavish art. The room that left me aching was of course the library with two floors of books I was desperate to study and hold. Yet the rope (and the guards) kept me from acting upon my temptations and I exerted great self-control, coveting along the way the books. Quite an experience all told. The rich are different that is for sure.
Back to the conference. Yes we played in the orchestra, hiked the trails, prayed, drank coffee, and even did some book shopping in the little town of Black Mountain down the road. Not wanting to leave yet knowing we must return, I finish this little essay up by saying that I feel blessed to have my family with me and to have the opportunity to worship God in so many ways.
See you back in Texas!
At first I felt rather claustrophobic in that things seemed close together and the sky was so far away. In Texas, particularly as one travels West, the sky feels close and the sight line extends for miles. Yet here in North Carolina, the sight is limited and one feels like a bird sitting in a nest wondering what glories exist outside of the home. But after a time, I began to accept the landscape and now feel as though a security comforter surrounds me. Different from Texas but splendid in grandeur.
The week itself was enriching in many ways--musically, spiritually, and physically. Highlights include a marvelous concert by Dennis Jernigan, a Christian artist with a strong testimony, immense talent, and an enviable career. Yet many great musicians walked the steps of Ridgecrest this week--Michael Adler, Dick Tunney, Craig Adams, Jay Rouse, the Sisters, and Brian Free and Assurance. One great song after another kept us engaged in worship. Fast, gospel, slow, meaningful, powerful music seemed to merge together to form an unforgettable experience for everyone present. It is hard to say which moment or which song was the favorite.
A side excursion took us to the monumental and famous Biltmore Mansion and estate where we walked and walked from room to room through the gardens and onward to the farm and winery. The magnificent structure was totally captivating including the pantry, dining rooms, exercise room, indoor pool, music room, and lavish art. The room that left me aching was of course the library with two floors of books I was desperate to study and hold. Yet the rope (and the guards) kept me from acting upon my temptations and I exerted great self-control, coveting along the way the books. Quite an experience all told. The rich are different that is for sure.
Back to the conference. Yes we played in the orchestra, hiked the trails, prayed, drank coffee, and even did some book shopping in the little town of Black Mountain down the road. Not wanting to leave yet knowing we must return, I finish this little essay up by saying that I feel blessed to have my family with me and to have the opportunity to worship God in so many ways.
See you back in Texas!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Band camp, Ridgecrest
Reflecting on this past week at band camp, I am once again encouraged by today's students. We had a very positive week with over 300 band students on campus. Their spirit was uplifting and while I cannot say I heard zero complaints, I can say I heard very few. They worked hard, played hard, laughed hard, and stayed focused the entire week. There was a dedication to the goals of leadership, musicianship, and skill that was contagious, infecting students and teachers alike, pervading the camp at every level and infusing it with a blend of affirmation, responsibility, and purpose.
The camp though was and always has been hard work for very little monetary gain. In addition to the weeks of preparation, publicity, paperwork, finding staff, getting facilities ready, the week of camp is pretty grueling. Up early every morning, in bed at midnight with a full day of teaching, directing, and solving problems, it takes its toll by the end of the week. Yet my own role is somewhat minimal in that I get to direct the top band but don't have to worry about the weeks of preparation, a job for Corey and Cathy Ash. They did marvelously this year and are to be commended for their thorough approach to the complexities that form band camp. Incidentally, I had a blast directing the Wind Ensemble. What a great band and a wonderful group of students.
And now after a day of rest we head to Ridgecrest for music week. Usually we go to Glorieta but due to the lateness of music week at Glorieta, we opted for Ridgecrest. While I often wish more publishers were involved, and I believe if so we would see a greater influx of music ministers, at the same time there is no question that Mike Harland and staff at Lifeway do a great job. The music is always rich and full with an appropriate blend of old and new designed to teach and to worship. We enjoy playing in the orchestra, walking around the camp, spending time together, and drinking coffee (okay...I enjoy the coffee!). Mostly we feel comfortable letting Joel roam, knowing he will be safe, and allowing him the latitude to experience the camp in ways that are meaningful to him.
After a week in North Carolina, we return and get ready to go to Baptist All-State in Houston. Jordan is going on his 3rd year in Baptist All-State and enjoys it every time. Such a great opportunity to play his instrument for God's glory with other young Christian leaders. Sadly, for many reasons that cannot be articulated in a few sentences, Baptist All-State is much smaller than it used to be and no longer receives the financial backing from the BGCT due to the myriad of ministry needs around the state. While it is certainly understandable, it also makes for an untenable position, charging high rates in an effort to keep the organization legal, protected, positive, and solvent. Yet charging high rates makes it a group comprised of those students with access to resources. This then is the dilemma of churches today. Are we seeking the wealthy to support our institutions or are we truly committed to the mission of outreach for everyone? Are we as Baptists inclusive or exclusive? Is there a balance?
Nevertheless, in spite of the concern, Baptist All-State remains a positive experience for students and its 34 year history has produced hundreds of Christian Leaders. This reminds me of some truths--man seems inevitably to mess things up that are good, and yet God somehow finds a way to create good in spite of man's innumerable flaws!
Onward to North Carolina, Houston, then returning to direct 10 performances of the musical Annie. It all makes for an exciting summer. In the midst of these events, I have found time to do some counseling of former students, help some high school students, work around the house, clean up my office, start my book business, and watch my oldest son get married. Life is grand!
The camp though was and always has been hard work for very little monetary gain. In addition to the weeks of preparation, publicity, paperwork, finding staff, getting facilities ready, the week of camp is pretty grueling. Up early every morning, in bed at midnight with a full day of teaching, directing, and solving problems, it takes its toll by the end of the week. Yet my own role is somewhat minimal in that I get to direct the top band but don't have to worry about the weeks of preparation, a job for Corey and Cathy Ash. They did marvelously this year and are to be commended for their thorough approach to the complexities that form band camp. Incidentally, I had a blast directing the Wind Ensemble. What a great band and a wonderful group of students.
And now after a day of rest we head to Ridgecrest for music week. Usually we go to Glorieta but due to the lateness of music week at Glorieta, we opted for Ridgecrest. While I often wish more publishers were involved, and I believe if so we would see a greater influx of music ministers, at the same time there is no question that Mike Harland and staff at Lifeway do a great job. The music is always rich and full with an appropriate blend of old and new designed to teach and to worship. We enjoy playing in the orchestra, walking around the camp, spending time together, and drinking coffee (okay...I enjoy the coffee!). Mostly we feel comfortable letting Joel roam, knowing he will be safe, and allowing him the latitude to experience the camp in ways that are meaningful to him.
After a week in North Carolina, we return and get ready to go to Baptist All-State in Houston. Jordan is going on his 3rd year in Baptist All-State and enjoys it every time. Such a great opportunity to play his instrument for God's glory with other young Christian leaders. Sadly, for many reasons that cannot be articulated in a few sentences, Baptist All-State is much smaller than it used to be and no longer receives the financial backing from the BGCT due to the myriad of ministry needs around the state. While it is certainly understandable, it also makes for an untenable position, charging high rates in an effort to keep the organization legal, protected, positive, and solvent. Yet charging high rates makes it a group comprised of those students with access to resources. This then is the dilemma of churches today. Are we seeking the wealthy to support our institutions or are we truly committed to the mission of outreach for everyone? Are we as Baptists inclusive or exclusive? Is there a balance?
Nevertheless, in spite of the concern, Baptist All-State remains a positive experience for students and its 34 year history has produced hundreds of Christian Leaders. This reminds me of some truths--man seems inevitably to mess things up that are good, and yet God somehow finds a way to create good in spite of man's innumerable flaws!
Onward to North Carolina, Houston, then returning to direct 10 performances of the musical Annie. It all makes for an exciting summer. In the midst of these events, I have found time to do some counseling of former students, help some high school students, work around the house, clean up my office, start my book business, and watch my oldest son get married. Life is grand!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Events...
Driving to Brownwood for the visitation of Jay Adams, we had a blow out. After a quick study of the tire, I realized its future was hopeless and decided drive a little longer to find a better spot to change it. Luckily my three boys (practically men now!) were with me. So each of us had a job to do and we got it changed. It would not have been difficult, except for the "packaging" of the system was challenging. Getting the spare tire was especially difficult due to strange instructions in the manual. Finally out of frustration, I crawled under the car and muscled the thing out of its imprisonment. We got it in place and went on our way, all of us dirty, tired, and more than a little cranky.
But I was pleased with how my boys jumped in and helped. They didn't even text message while we were working on the tire. In a few days Jacob, the oldest, will be married to Olivia. We love her and realize he made the perfect choice! She is a special young lady whom we are honored to have in our family. Sometimes I remember my little boy holding my hand when crossing streets and asking me lots of questions, watching sports shows, movies, and singing children's songs. But I'm glad he grew up and now is taking the next step in adult life--marriage! He has also recently had a research project accepted and will be flying to Rhode Island in October for a poster presentation.
Lost another good man this week--Jay Adams. Fine coach, fine man, loved his family. Jay made the world a better place with his values, his personality, and his love of life. Family and fishing ruled the day for Jay who kept his Christian faith throughout his life. He was 53 when the cancer finally won. He will be missed and leaves behind a wife and three daughters.
I can't believe how poorly I played piano this morning. I can really be average at times. I just get a little nervous trying to lead from the piano and sing at the same time. It probably was okay, but I didn't feel great about it overall. Yet worship is really not about me but is about Praising God. Maybe people can overlook my imperfections and Praise God anyway!
Okay, I ended up marking through the forged signatures on two first editions and selling them to Hastings for $5.00 each! One of these books cost me $250. Quite an investment--pay $250 and sell it for $5.00. Talk about a market drop. Oh well. I suppose I could have lost my self-respect and waived my integrity and tried to sell it as a real signature, but I just don't have that in me. Better to rid my stock of the crime, than to perpetuate the evil. You may think I am overstating this but I believe that forging a signature is an evil act of criminality that should be prosecuted. Just because it is a book does not make it any less of a crime. It is a form of identity theft. Books gone and my integrity still intact. In the end, maybe my integrity is worth more than money. What do you think?
Book collecting and selling sure has its ups and downs. I have learned much and my business continues to flounder. Still it is nice to be a small business owner. Just gotta keep working at it. Meanwhile, I have lots of music to write.
But I was pleased with how my boys jumped in and helped. They didn't even text message while we were working on the tire. In a few days Jacob, the oldest, will be married to Olivia. We love her and realize he made the perfect choice! She is a special young lady whom we are honored to have in our family. Sometimes I remember my little boy holding my hand when crossing streets and asking me lots of questions, watching sports shows, movies, and singing children's songs. But I'm glad he grew up and now is taking the next step in adult life--marriage! He has also recently had a research project accepted and will be flying to Rhode Island in October for a poster presentation.
Lost another good man this week--Jay Adams. Fine coach, fine man, loved his family. Jay made the world a better place with his values, his personality, and his love of life. Family and fishing ruled the day for Jay who kept his Christian faith throughout his life. He was 53 when the cancer finally won. He will be missed and leaves behind a wife and three daughters.
I can't believe how poorly I played piano this morning. I can really be average at times. I just get a little nervous trying to lead from the piano and sing at the same time. It probably was okay, but I didn't feel great about it overall. Yet worship is really not about me but is about Praising God. Maybe people can overlook my imperfections and Praise God anyway!
Okay, I ended up marking through the forged signatures on two first editions and selling them to Hastings for $5.00 each! One of these books cost me $250. Quite an investment--pay $250 and sell it for $5.00. Talk about a market drop. Oh well. I suppose I could have lost my self-respect and waived my integrity and tried to sell it as a real signature, but I just don't have that in me. Better to rid my stock of the crime, than to perpetuate the evil. You may think I am overstating this but I believe that forging a signature is an evil act of criminality that should be prosecuted. Just because it is a book does not make it any less of a crime. It is a form of identity theft. Books gone and my integrity still intact. In the end, maybe my integrity is worth more than money. What do you think?
Book collecting and selling sure has its ups and downs. I have learned much and my business continues to flounder. Still it is nice to be a small business owner. Just gotta keep working at it. Meanwhile, I have lots of music to write.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A word or two on Guardianship
We are the legal guardians of our son Joel in the State of Texas. He is an autistic 20 year old who, although is a joy and makes the world a better place, cannot function independently. We spent quite a bit of money for lawyers and went to court to receive legal guardianship of our son. We did so to keep him protected from anyone who may wish to take advantage of him either in the work place or in a relationship.
His limitations include being unable to drive, being unable to communicate with great meaning, being unaware of subtleties, not understanding danger, and lacking in the imagination needed to solve basic human problems. So we asked to take care of him and be responsible for him. It is a heavy responsibility and goes against the American Dream of getting your kids out of the house and on their own. Yet we are comfortable in the role as guardians. I was confused as to why the court system made it so difficult and expensive until I discovered that some people ask to be guardians of the elderly, particularly those with money. Guardianship includes overseeing accounts belonging to the individual.
Since Joel had no money, it was an easy solution for us to assume guardianship. If we ever leave the state, however, we will have to reapply for guardianship with another state. This means that we will try to transfer his files to another state. Yet, due to a variation of "institutional arrogance" the new state will want us to start the process anew to ensure we are not trying to get control of Joel's estate. Remaining in the state means we will always be responsible for him. We are fine with that and accept it as our obligation to our special needs son. While some may see this as a burden, we, instead, see it as an opportunity to help and protect Joel as he matures and becomes an adult.
Parents of disabled children need to keep careful records and begin to make provisions for the future, including living arrangements, financial help, physical needs, and legal expectations. Guardianship is an adequate solution to those adults unable to make protective decisions for themselves.
His limitations include being unable to drive, being unable to communicate with great meaning, being unaware of subtleties, not understanding danger, and lacking in the imagination needed to solve basic human problems. So we asked to take care of him and be responsible for him. It is a heavy responsibility and goes against the American Dream of getting your kids out of the house and on their own. Yet we are comfortable in the role as guardians. I was confused as to why the court system made it so difficult and expensive until I discovered that some people ask to be guardians of the elderly, particularly those with money. Guardianship includes overseeing accounts belonging to the individual.
Since Joel had no money, it was an easy solution for us to assume guardianship. If we ever leave the state, however, we will have to reapply for guardianship with another state. This means that we will try to transfer his files to another state. Yet, due to a variation of "institutional arrogance" the new state will want us to start the process anew to ensure we are not trying to get control of Joel's estate. Remaining in the state means we will always be responsible for him. We are fine with that and accept it as our obligation to our special needs son. While some may see this as a burden, we, instead, see it as an opportunity to help and protect Joel as he matures and becomes an adult.
Parents of disabled children need to keep careful records and begin to make provisions for the future, including living arrangements, financial help, physical needs, and legal expectations. Guardianship is an adequate solution to those adults unable to make protective decisions for themselves.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
More random thoughts
My youngest son Jordan received a 1st division on his solo at the State solo/ensemble contest. It is a difficult contest and he played an excessively difficult piece-Parable by Persichetti. It is impressive for a junior to receive a first division at state, and he has continually progressed and improved to the point I believe he can become as good as he wants to be. Yet it is in the area of composition that he excels and demonstrates the greatest interest. On the other hand, composing is a tough road these days due to the plethora and eclectic music that pervades our culture.
Like everyone, I am totally disgusted with the ongoing saga of the oil spilling into the Gulf. This is a disaster that will likely affect the ecosystem for years to come. The environment is so incredibly interconnected that a change in the ocean will sympathetically cause a change in climate, germs, animals, not to mention the economy. We are a resilient people and the ecosystem will adjust, but not without pain. Very disturbing.
Church work is a tough gig. Yesterday at a funeral, a young lady wanted to sing with a track but unfortunately the CD did not function. She didn't get to sing at all. Technology causes problems and it is good to have a plan B. Meanwhile my church where I serve out of town is getting a little tougher. Some people are being critical of my choices of music. I work VERY hard to pick a balance of hymns, old choruses, gospel songs, and new choruses in an attempt to reach everyone. But there is always a risk then of offending everyone at least to an extent. Each of us has music preferences but in a collective worship service, we absolutely have to put aside our own preferences and think of the greater good.
I can handle criticism and have done so most of my career, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! Yet as I remind others, most criticism is overstated but most of it also has a grain of truth. The wise leader avoids over reacting but also tries to learn from the invective.
Sleep is often a mystery to me and I probably don't do it enough. We are told to get 7-8 hours yet 5 is common to me. I think I need to exercise more diligently and work on finishing my work each day so I don't go to sleep thinking about work. Also I think that getting older is presenting some challenges--sore heels, joints not moving as quickly, and a neck that needs additional support at night. Just common problems I suspect.
Sad about Al Gore and Tipper. No other thoughts than that I guess.
Like everyone, I am totally disgusted with the ongoing saga of the oil spilling into the Gulf. This is a disaster that will likely affect the ecosystem for years to come. The environment is so incredibly interconnected that a change in the ocean will sympathetically cause a change in climate, germs, animals, not to mention the economy. We are a resilient people and the ecosystem will adjust, but not without pain. Very disturbing.
Church work is a tough gig. Yesterday at a funeral, a young lady wanted to sing with a track but unfortunately the CD did not function. She didn't get to sing at all. Technology causes problems and it is good to have a plan B. Meanwhile my church where I serve out of town is getting a little tougher. Some people are being critical of my choices of music. I work VERY hard to pick a balance of hymns, old choruses, gospel songs, and new choruses in an attempt to reach everyone. But there is always a risk then of offending everyone at least to an extent. Each of us has music preferences but in a collective worship service, we absolutely have to put aside our own preferences and think of the greater good.
I can handle criticism and have done so most of my career, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! Yet as I remind others, most criticism is overstated but most of it also has a grain of truth. The wise leader avoids over reacting but also tries to learn from the invective.
Sleep is often a mystery to me and I probably don't do it enough. We are told to get 7-8 hours yet 5 is common to me. I think I need to exercise more diligently and work on finishing my work each day so I don't go to sleep thinking about work. Also I think that getting older is presenting some challenges--sore heels, joints not moving as quickly, and a neck that needs additional support at night. Just common problems I suspect.
Sad about Al Gore and Tipper. No other thoughts than that I guess.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Books and family
It has been a whirlwind of a few days for me. Saturday Joel and I drove to Burnet to attend Mike Lewis' retirement party. I didn't think Mike was much older than I am, but I guess he had built up many years of teaching and can retire. He has had a wonderful career as a band director and teacher, as exemplified by the hundreds of pictures on the walls at the band hall and the hundreds maybe thousands of students who thanked him. I also treasure his friendship and have always held him in high regard. Fine Christian man and a great teacher for sure.
Sunday morning I drove to Brady and back. Napping and relaxing I received a text from youngest son Jordan wondering if he needed the original music for the state solo contest. The answer was yes. We found the music and proceeded to drive to Austin to deliver it. We arrived home around 9:30, got up early Monday and drove to Denton to deliver more furnishings and clothes to our oldest son and his fiance. We spent the day in Denton, bought a bed, ate lunch, swam in the apartment pool, and came home.
While in Denton, I went to Recycled Books to see if they would buy my two forged first editions I own. This is a source of great stress and consternation for me. I bought two signed first editions for quite a bit of money from a bookstore going out of business. But after further study and comparing signatures, I have determined they are forgeries. The store has a no return policy and now I am stuck. If I sell them as real signatures, I am breaking my own ethical integrity. If I inform a buyer I believe they are forgeries, I will never be able to sell them even as regular books. I could just use them as examples of poor judgment on my part for purchasing them in the first place. Not sure what to do. Recycled Books did not want them and I understand completely. I am embarrassed to have purchased them and almost see these books as evil examples of a terrible form of crime--forging signatures. I may end up circling the signatures in pen and stating they are forgeries. Then turn around and sell them. Mostly I wish I didn't have them. Great books but fake author signatures. Yuck.
Joel was funny yesterday. We pulled into the parking lot in Weatherford between Wendy's and Starbucks. It must have struck a memory tone for him because he proceeded to tell me with great excitement about all the shops in the area. He said two years ago we had parked in the same place. I never know what will trigger his brain into activity. Certain sparks of memory, sound, places, events seem to hyperdrive or give him a brain turbo boost.
Joel is always an adventure is trying to figure him out. Will it ever happen? Doubtful but the journey to that end is filled with joy!
Sunday morning I drove to Brady and back. Napping and relaxing I received a text from youngest son Jordan wondering if he needed the original music for the state solo contest. The answer was yes. We found the music and proceeded to drive to Austin to deliver it. We arrived home around 9:30, got up early Monday and drove to Denton to deliver more furnishings and clothes to our oldest son and his fiance. We spent the day in Denton, bought a bed, ate lunch, swam in the apartment pool, and came home.
While in Denton, I went to Recycled Books to see if they would buy my two forged first editions I own. This is a source of great stress and consternation for me. I bought two signed first editions for quite a bit of money from a bookstore going out of business. But after further study and comparing signatures, I have determined they are forgeries. The store has a no return policy and now I am stuck. If I sell them as real signatures, I am breaking my own ethical integrity. If I inform a buyer I believe they are forgeries, I will never be able to sell them even as regular books. I could just use them as examples of poor judgment on my part for purchasing them in the first place. Not sure what to do. Recycled Books did not want them and I understand completely. I am embarrassed to have purchased them and almost see these books as evil examples of a terrible form of crime--forging signatures. I may end up circling the signatures in pen and stating they are forgeries. Then turn around and sell them. Mostly I wish I didn't have them. Great books but fake author signatures. Yuck.
Joel was funny yesterday. We pulled into the parking lot in Weatherford between Wendy's and Starbucks. It must have struck a memory tone for him because he proceeded to tell me with great excitement about all the shops in the area. He said two years ago we had parked in the same place. I never know what will trigger his brain into activity. Certain sparks of memory, sound, places, events seem to hyperdrive or give him a brain turbo boost.
Joel is always an adventure is trying to figure him out. Will it ever happen? Doubtful but the journey to that end is filled with joy!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Paragraph bytes for today
Not feeling overly profound but nevertheless needing to write something, I am offering a little information about the past week.
We lost a great man this week. His name was Dann Barger and I really held him in high regard for his humanitarian efforts, his Christian commitment, his personality, and his general demeanor. He died of cancer this week. Thinking about him, I recall his efforts to get me to stop biting my fingernails, a habit that has been a necessary part of my life since childhood. I want to stop but just can't. Dann's method was to address one finger at a time. He held me accountable and I was able to quit on three fingers. But alas I traveled for a few weeks, didn't see him, and fell into the old habits again. Concerned he would be critical, I hesitated to show him. Yet in his patient and firm way, he told me to start over. I think it is time to recommit myself to this project of ending the nail biting.
Dann shared his wisdom, compassion, money, Christianity, and personality with everyone he met. He made the world a better place and helped thousands upon thousands of people, educated and uneducated, rich and poor, regardless of color, background, or attitude. He was absolutely unswerving in his devotion to others. I recall a situation where a man in prison asked to see me. The man had become somewhat obsessed with me and wanted to say some things to me. I was willing to go until Dann advised otherwise. He believed that my visiting the man would ultimately create further problems for him related to the other inmates. Dann was able to think beyond the obvious and delve into the complexities of relationships by always asking the question, "What is best for that individual?" I will miss Dann greatly and want to be more like him.
The board of directors of www.rareandnew.com met for the first time the other day. While they were excited about the new company, several expressed concern to the CEO. Apparently the CEO has not been proactive in holding the departments accountable. The result is low (actually no profits) profits and too much expense. The board encouraged the marketing department, sales, products, accounting, and distribution departments to be more efficient. The entire board was concerned with the poor quality of employees and the lack of productivity.
A man shot himself yesterday. He apparently was struggling with depression. We are not sure why he did this or what the problem was exactly. I feel saddened by the news and wish to do a better job of identifying anyone with depression problems, seeking to help anyone to avoid suicidal thoughts or actions. Life is so precious and so short that we must live it to our fullest each day.
Just finished another Parker book and am about to write another book review. My goal is to have 100 book reviews on Amazon. After my 100 I may get more selective about which books to review. I have always loved modern fiction but lately have found myself more interested in history and biography.
Today is brisket day. I am smoking two briskets, one for a friend and one for us. My system is exhausting but rewarding as well. I soak them in Dr. Pepper all night long, then place them on a hot smoker for about an hour or more. Then I slather them in barbecue sauce, olive oil, cooking wine and wrap them in foil for another 5-6 hours. I keep the smoker fairly hot most of the time until the last hour or so. I then keep them wrapped for about 2-4 hours before cutting. I then serve--pretty darn good stuff.
Listening to the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1. I love this piece and am amazed by the beauty and energy of the 2nd movement. Wonderful music in all respects with an emotional power and sensitivity not often found in concertos of the time.
Back to www.rareandnew.com. I am the owner, CEO, board of directors, marketing agent, sales department, distribution, and accountant. So far my business has gone nowhere with no sales at all. This could be the way it is. Kind of sad but also funny in a way!
We lost a great man this week. His name was Dann Barger and I really held him in high regard for his humanitarian efforts, his Christian commitment, his personality, and his general demeanor. He died of cancer this week. Thinking about him, I recall his efforts to get me to stop biting my fingernails, a habit that has been a necessary part of my life since childhood. I want to stop but just can't. Dann's method was to address one finger at a time. He held me accountable and I was able to quit on three fingers. But alas I traveled for a few weeks, didn't see him, and fell into the old habits again. Concerned he would be critical, I hesitated to show him. Yet in his patient and firm way, he told me to start over. I think it is time to recommit myself to this project of ending the nail biting.
Dann shared his wisdom, compassion, money, Christianity, and personality with everyone he met. He made the world a better place and helped thousands upon thousands of people, educated and uneducated, rich and poor, regardless of color, background, or attitude. He was absolutely unswerving in his devotion to others. I recall a situation where a man in prison asked to see me. The man had become somewhat obsessed with me and wanted to say some things to me. I was willing to go until Dann advised otherwise. He believed that my visiting the man would ultimately create further problems for him related to the other inmates. Dann was able to think beyond the obvious and delve into the complexities of relationships by always asking the question, "What is best for that individual?" I will miss Dann greatly and want to be more like him.
The board of directors of www.rareandnew.com met for the first time the other day. While they were excited about the new company, several expressed concern to the CEO. Apparently the CEO has not been proactive in holding the departments accountable. The result is low (actually no profits) profits and too much expense. The board encouraged the marketing department, sales, products, accounting, and distribution departments to be more efficient. The entire board was concerned with the poor quality of employees and the lack of productivity.
A man shot himself yesterday. He apparently was struggling with depression. We are not sure why he did this or what the problem was exactly. I feel saddened by the news and wish to do a better job of identifying anyone with depression problems, seeking to help anyone to avoid suicidal thoughts or actions. Life is so precious and so short that we must live it to our fullest each day.
Just finished another Parker book and am about to write another book review. My goal is to have 100 book reviews on Amazon. After my 100 I may get more selective about which books to review. I have always loved modern fiction but lately have found myself more interested in history and biography.
Today is brisket day. I am smoking two briskets, one for a friend and one for us. My system is exhausting but rewarding as well. I soak them in Dr. Pepper all night long, then place them on a hot smoker for about an hour or more. Then I slather them in barbecue sauce, olive oil, cooking wine and wrap them in foil for another 5-6 hours. I keep the smoker fairly hot most of the time until the last hour or so. I then keep them wrapped for about 2-4 hours before cutting. I then serve--pretty darn good stuff.
Listening to the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1. I love this piece and am amazed by the beauty and energy of the 2nd movement. Wonderful music in all respects with an emotional power and sensitivity not often found in concertos of the time.
Back to www.rareandnew.com. I am the owner, CEO, board of directors, marketing agent, sales department, distribution, and accountant. So far my business has gone nowhere with no sales at all. This could be the way it is. Kind of sad but also funny in a way!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Religious Division
Lately I have been a little discouraged with the division that exists in churches today, across denominations, and within the same basic belief system. Friendships ruined, families divided, institutions polarized, and nations at war. There are many causes of division which can range from major doctrinal disagreements to slight Biblical interpretations including practice and even human behavior. Color of carpet, size of sound systems, organ, piano, drums, guitar, screen, teenagers, children, older adults and the list goes on and on with division leading the way.
I as a classic moderate seeking after divine truth but open to Biblical interpretation with application today, continually marvel at how a simple, personal belief can wreak havoc on relationships, severing them completely and irrevocably. It is just downright sad. Yet it is also understandable when we consider the human spirit. So many things in life are simply preference of the individual from the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the music we hear, the relationships we build, all help shape the idea of individuality over collectivism.
But it seems that the more we establish a standard of beliefs, practice, or acceptance, the more likely we are to exclude an individual or group. For example, if a person only likes chicken and does not like hamburgers, then he casts a net of rejection over all cafes serving hamburgers. He may then, inadvertently, extend that rejection to anyone frequenting those establishments serving hamburgers. In his rejection of a person's preference, he focuses on the individual, grouping that person in the "other" camp, thereby polarizing the position of chicken versus hamburgers. All rather silly since it simply involves taste, but it is real nevertheless.
Obviously food preference should not be compared with Kingdom issues and yet there is a correlation in that a person's taste or preference simply defines the individual. In religion however, we attempt to serve the individual and create the collective at the same time, wanting to group together the individual choices made and call them denominations, reject those who don't think like we do. Silly yes, but real nevertheless.
While I do not wish to water down the value of the spiritual or get mired into the mediocrity of the lower common denominator, at the same time I do desire for our faith to unify us, not separate us. To that end, I will choose my own theology based on study, prayer, knowledge, and teaching. In doing so, I will reject the theology that is different, but I will NOT reject the people taking a different road to the same goal. Perhaps I will be the rejected one, but regardless, let it not be said that I did the rejecting of the person. Authoring peace and harmony, I may be accused of flexible standards occasionally or of embracing love over war or of accepting those who are missing the mark or of rejoicing over the consonance rather than the voluminous dissonance, disagreements are usually louder than agreements. But if I am accused of such things, then may I indeed be guilty, for division in religion cannot be healthy.
I preach and teach harmony as a result of many congruent melodies operating within a social context. To my friends and family who practice and believe something slightly different I say yes we have our preferences, but let's continue to make music!
I as a classic moderate seeking after divine truth but open to Biblical interpretation with application today, continually marvel at how a simple, personal belief can wreak havoc on relationships, severing them completely and irrevocably. It is just downright sad. Yet it is also understandable when we consider the human spirit. So many things in life are simply preference of the individual from the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the music we hear, the relationships we build, all help shape the idea of individuality over collectivism.
But it seems that the more we establish a standard of beliefs, practice, or acceptance, the more likely we are to exclude an individual or group. For example, if a person only likes chicken and does not like hamburgers, then he casts a net of rejection over all cafes serving hamburgers. He may then, inadvertently, extend that rejection to anyone frequenting those establishments serving hamburgers. In his rejection of a person's preference, he focuses on the individual, grouping that person in the "other" camp, thereby polarizing the position of chicken versus hamburgers. All rather silly since it simply involves taste, but it is real nevertheless.
Obviously food preference should not be compared with Kingdom issues and yet there is a correlation in that a person's taste or preference simply defines the individual. In religion however, we attempt to serve the individual and create the collective at the same time, wanting to group together the individual choices made and call them denominations, reject those who don't think like we do. Silly yes, but real nevertheless.
While I do not wish to water down the value of the spiritual or get mired into the mediocrity of the lower common denominator, at the same time I do desire for our faith to unify us, not separate us. To that end, I will choose my own theology based on study, prayer, knowledge, and teaching. In doing so, I will reject the theology that is different, but I will NOT reject the people taking a different road to the same goal. Perhaps I will be the rejected one, but regardless, let it not be said that I did the rejecting of the person. Authoring peace and harmony, I may be accused of flexible standards occasionally or of embracing love over war or of accepting those who are missing the mark or of rejoicing over the consonance rather than the voluminous dissonance, disagreements are usually louder than agreements. But if I am accused of such things, then may I indeed be guilty, for division in religion cannot be healthy.
I preach and teach harmony as a result of many congruent melodies operating within a social context. To my friends and family who practice and believe something slightly different I say yes we have our preferences, but let's continue to make music!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
More on performing
After reading my last entry, I decided to write something a little more positive. True that performing has been an albatross on my neck at times, partially due to my own demands and partially due to my abilities. Not in his league yet able to relate to his feelings, Pablo Casals, the great cellist once said after falling and breaking his hand, "I'll never have to play the cello again!" Being good at something is a double-edged sword, one that brings great pleasure and great burden simultaneously.
That said, I have been blessed to have the opportunity to play my horn in outstanding orchestras all my life--El Paso, Cincinnati, Dayton, Midland, Lake Charles, San Angelo, Abilene, to name a few. Beethoven, Mahler, Brahms, Strauss, Stravinsky are but a few of the composers I have performed on a large scale. In addition, I have performed all the Mozart concertos at some point, the woodwind quintet repertoire, brass quintet repertoire, and a plethora of chamber music of all shapes and sizes. Add to this a vast amount of experience playing and conducting concert bands, and it all forms a pretty experienced horn performer.
I have played first horn as a soloist, 2nd, 3rd, and my personal favorite--4th horn (I like being last chair!). I have rejoiced in the amazing performances of great pieces, and sweated through the difficult ones. I have had funny events in performance, dramatic events, emotional moments, apathetic ones, dull ones, and tremendously moving ones. It has been and hopefully will continue to be an exciting career as a performer. I intend to keep my horn active when possible and not let it collect too much dust. When I hold it, it feels like an old friend and I find myself immediately drawn into the relationship of comfort. We have been together through thick and thin, richer and poorer, in sickness and health (okay, getting a little weird I know!).
Deep down, in spite of my topsy-turvy emotions of horn playing, I feel lucky to have the ability to play and blessed to have had experiences that in many ways are like dreams. I often thank the Lord for giving me the things I need "the family, the job, the friends, and the horn!"
That said, I have been blessed to have the opportunity to play my horn in outstanding orchestras all my life--El Paso, Cincinnati, Dayton, Midland, Lake Charles, San Angelo, Abilene, to name a few. Beethoven, Mahler, Brahms, Strauss, Stravinsky are but a few of the composers I have performed on a large scale. In addition, I have performed all the Mozart concertos at some point, the woodwind quintet repertoire, brass quintet repertoire, and a plethora of chamber music of all shapes and sizes. Add to this a vast amount of experience playing and conducting concert bands, and it all forms a pretty experienced horn performer.
I have played first horn as a soloist, 2nd, 3rd, and my personal favorite--4th horn (I like being last chair!). I have rejoiced in the amazing performances of great pieces, and sweated through the difficult ones. I have had funny events in performance, dramatic events, emotional moments, apathetic ones, dull ones, and tremendously moving ones. It has been and hopefully will continue to be an exciting career as a performer. I intend to keep my horn active when possible and not let it collect too much dust. When I hold it, it feels like an old friend and I find myself immediately drawn into the relationship of comfort. We have been together through thick and thin, richer and poorer, in sickness and health (okay, getting a little weird I know!).
Deep down, in spite of my topsy-turvy emotions of horn playing, I feel lucky to have the ability to play and blessed to have had experiences that in many ways are like dreams. I often thank the Lord for giving me the things I need "the family, the job, the friends, and the horn!"
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Performing Music
Spending my life as a performing musician has been and continues to be full of great joy mingled with extreme anxiety. In my teens and onward through my twenties, I experienced excessive performance anxiety nearly all the time on stage. The symptoms ranged from shaking to breathing problems to a near catatonic state of neurological misfiring. Often unable to speak, feeling like an impending stroke, and wondering if the shimmering waves of death were upon me, I played my horn with dread, anticipating the conclusion so I could live in the normal world again until the next time.
Part of the problem of my performance anxiety, in addition to my excessive adrenalin and desire for perfection, is my need to be better than last time. Each performance should provide a basket full of musical lessons that can be applied for the next performance. In this manner, a lifetime of performances ought to result in perfection at some point. Yet for me, the elusive dream of flawless performance seemed to slowly but surely be unattainable. And in truth it is. I can never be good enough in that there is always room for improvement. Intonation, articulation, phrasing, technique, communication, dynamics, precision, expression, accuracy. All of these and more must get better at each performance.
This kind of commitment causes an inevitable neurosis of confusion for a performer. The need to be bold like a lion yet sensitive like a lamb adds to the myriad demands, not to mention the expectations of others. For me it has both added to and subtracted from the joy of music. My dissatisfaction with myself as a musician has torn me into emotional shreds while teaching me to accept the ultimate truth of imperfection being okay. So I dedicate myself to excellence, offer my best, work diligently for it, present it, and then let it go.
The result is a deepening awareness of my own failings but also a greater sense of the joy of making music. I cannot be perfect but I can love what I do. Ultimately it is about communicating and manifesting to the world what is inside. And as my friend Mike Ewald used to say, "Keep your mind, your body, your music, and your spiritual life strong by working on them constantly."
Performance anxiety gone replaced by joy--as it should be! That said, I need to practice more to be ready for the next gig.
Part of the problem of my performance anxiety, in addition to my excessive adrenalin and desire for perfection, is my need to be better than last time. Each performance should provide a basket full of musical lessons that can be applied for the next performance. In this manner, a lifetime of performances ought to result in perfection at some point. Yet for me, the elusive dream of flawless performance seemed to slowly but surely be unattainable. And in truth it is. I can never be good enough in that there is always room for improvement. Intonation, articulation, phrasing, technique, communication, dynamics, precision, expression, accuracy. All of these and more must get better at each performance.
This kind of commitment causes an inevitable neurosis of confusion for a performer. The need to be bold like a lion yet sensitive like a lamb adds to the myriad demands, not to mention the expectations of others. For me it has both added to and subtracted from the joy of music. My dissatisfaction with myself as a musician has torn me into emotional shreds while teaching me to accept the ultimate truth of imperfection being okay. So I dedicate myself to excellence, offer my best, work diligently for it, present it, and then let it go.
The result is a deepening awareness of my own failings but also a greater sense of the joy of making music. I cannot be perfect but I can love what I do. Ultimately it is about communicating and manifesting to the world what is inside. And as my friend Mike Ewald used to say, "Keep your mind, your body, your music, and your spiritual life strong by working on them constantly."
Performance anxiety gone replaced by joy--as it should be! That said, I need to practice more to be ready for the next gig.
More on composing music
Being an intermittent, not so prolific composer since the age of 15, I often vacillate between the euphoria of a public performance of my music and the discouragement of few to no performances of my music. This is not to say I haven't had some success. I have five official publications, many commissions, and a portfolio of music that would be the envy of many composers. My music has been performed throughout Texas, Louisiana, and even Arkansas. I have heard of performances in other states but have not received official documentation for those.
I am comfortable writing in a wide variety of genres, styles, instrumentation, and forms. My music has moments of darkness, profundity, complexity, and intellectualism for the educated elite. Other times my music is fun, light, shimmering with joyful energy, with an attempt to cast the net broadly and reach the masses. I like wide dynamic contrasts and find myself writing in extremes--fast, slow, loud, soft, dark, light. Influenced by modern culture yet steeped in the classics, my music ranges from Mozart-like and Brahmsish to 70's rock and jazz. The objective fastidiousness of Messiaen, Webern, and Boulez also creeps in at times in my music.
Yet I continually question not just my abilities but mostly my purpose in writing music at all. Do people really care that much about it? Am I altering the world in any way with my musical expressions? Is it worth the effort?
I write music because it is in me to write. I do not write for the money (and it's a darn good thing too!), I do not write because I have something new to say (much of my music sounds like other things heard I suspect), and I do not write because anyone makes me. I write music because I have to for my own satisfaction.
As said before, each piece I finish feels like an extraction of part of my heart and soul. I reach down deep and give part of myself to the world. As I feel exhausted and partially lost from the outpouring of my soul, at the same moment, I feel invigorated, with my batteries getting recharged. I lose and gain from every piece.
So in spite of my general lack of compositional success, I forge ahead, needing to write what lies inside, hoping something will catch on, and seeking at least to an extent a little public affirmation and appreciation for the next Tucker piece!
I am comfortable writing in a wide variety of genres, styles, instrumentation, and forms. My music has moments of darkness, profundity, complexity, and intellectualism for the educated elite. Other times my music is fun, light, shimmering with joyful energy, with an attempt to cast the net broadly and reach the masses. I like wide dynamic contrasts and find myself writing in extremes--fast, slow, loud, soft, dark, light. Influenced by modern culture yet steeped in the classics, my music ranges from Mozart-like and Brahmsish to 70's rock and jazz. The objective fastidiousness of Messiaen, Webern, and Boulez also creeps in at times in my music.
Yet I continually question not just my abilities but mostly my purpose in writing music at all. Do people really care that much about it? Am I altering the world in any way with my musical expressions? Is it worth the effort?
I write music because it is in me to write. I do not write for the money (and it's a darn good thing too!), I do not write because I have something new to say (much of my music sounds like other things heard I suspect), and I do not write because anyone makes me. I write music because I have to for my own satisfaction.
As said before, each piece I finish feels like an extraction of part of my heart and soul. I reach down deep and give part of myself to the world. As I feel exhausted and partially lost from the outpouring of my soul, at the same moment, I feel invigorated, with my batteries getting recharged. I lose and gain from every piece.
So in spite of my general lack of compositional success, I forge ahead, needing to write what lies inside, hoping something will catch on, and seeking at least to an extent a little public affirmation and appreciation for the next Tucker piece!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
A bit of whining
I am not a whiner normally. Like anybody, I do get a little down here and there, but try to keep myself going through exercise, reading, writing, and various academic disciplines. But I would like to take a moment to whine a little. I am not whining, however that for the second year in a row, I was not announced as a dean at our commencement ceremony. I believe it was just an oversight on the officials part and I simply was not on the script. When it happened today, I should have been hurt and disappointed, but honestly I was not. It did not bother me at all (I think my family members were upset a little), shrugging it off as a mistake. I do not need public affirmation for my status or position in life. Were I a millionaire, I would have no personal need for anyone to know. Were I the President of the university or a CEO of a large corporation or a brain surgeon, I would have no ego need to be affirmed for my position or any attainments that have been achieved. Status is earned from productivity and achievement, making the production much more valuable than the position.
Yet in contrast, and here is where I start whining, last year I wrote a piece of music for the commencement. Polite applause followed the performance of the song for soprano and piano and I received a total of two compliments after the ceremony. It was and continues to be difficult to be aware that the piece I wrote was not well-received (particularly since I think it is very strong piece of music), and hard for me to realize that nobody really cares about the amount of work it takes to write a piece of music. If I cannot be affirmed for the actual piece, perhaps someone could acknowledge effort?
So once again I wrote another piece for the commencement this year. Except this year was a vibrant, shimmering arrangement of a familiar hymn. It zinged along at a fast pace, expressing the joy of the Almighty King, replete with a wide range of dynamics and rhythmic energy. My name was in the program but nothing was said that the Dean of Music wrote the piece and it was a premiere performance.
Admittedly I wrote the piece in about a week, but it was still an outpouring of what is in me. Every time I write a new piece, I feel as though I have both lost and gained a part of me. My music is a manifestation of my emotions, my thoughts, my reflection, and my world-view. This means that each time it comes forth, I have given part of me to the world, yet gained an opportunity to cleanse myself of those expressions.
Knowing though that I am probably an average composer, and that my music will not survive the test of time, I often wish I would be affirmed not for my status or position, which has very little meaning to me, but rather for my production. For when I leave this earth, I want to give two things back to the world: my family and my work. My family in the form of my sons, their wives, and eventually their children. My work in the form of writing words and music. And therefore I request of those who know me to acknowledge my external musical and literary expressions, giving respect to the effort to create something, offering acknowledgment for the time spent and the emotions portrayed. The light of the world shines on those who discard self-pity and selflessly reach out in goodness, so please forgive my pathetic whining. Every now and then I think I need it.
Yet in contrast, and here is where I start whining, last year I wrote a piece of music for the commencement. Polite applause followed the performance of the song for soprano and piano and I received a total of two compliments after the ceremony. It was and continues to be difficult to be aware that the piece I wrote was not well-received (particularly since I think it is very strong piece of music), and hard for me to realize that nobody really cares about the amount of work it takes to write a piece of music. If I cannot be affirmed for the actual piece, perhaps someone could acknowledge effort?
So once again I wrote another piece for the commencement this year. Except this year was a vibrant, shimmering arrangement of a familiar hymn. It zinged along at a fast pace, expressing the joy of the Almighty King, replete with a wide range of dynamics and rhythmic energy. My name was in the program but nothing was said that the Dean of Music wrote the piece and it was a premiere performance.
Admittedly I wrote the piece in about a week, but it was still an outpouring of what is in me. Every time I write a new piece, I feel as though I have both lost and gained a part of me. My music is a manifestation of my emotions, my thoughts, my reflection, and my world-view. This means that each time it comes forth, I have given part of me to the world, yet gained an opportunity to cleanse myself of those expressions.
Knowing though that I am probably an average composer, and that my music will not survive the test of time, I often wish I would be affirmed not for my status or position, which has very little meaning to me, but rather for my production. For when I leave this earth, I want to give two things back to the world: my family and my work. My family in the form of my sons, their wives, and eventually their children. My work in the form of writing words and music. And therefore I request of those who know me to acknowledge my external musical and literary expressions, giving respect to the effort to create something, offering acknowledgment for the time spent and the emotions portrayed. The light of the world shines on those who discard self-pity and selflessly reach out in goodness, so please forgive my pathetic whining. Every now and then I think I need it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
A new installment of a text from Joel
We continue to receive long texts from Joel that are both informative and useful.
Hey dad is my coat that i bought at j.c. Penney back from the cleaners? I am wanting to wear it sunday at church! What are you going to wear this sunday dad? I am going to wear all black this sunday? It is supposed to get really cold this weekend! I think it is supposed to snow on sunday again! I am ready to have the ultimate snowball fight and build a really big snowman with sticks and a stick for a nose and a hate a scarf for buttons for eyes mouth and shirt and my tie around its neck! I am just ready to play the organ at church around jacob's spring break! I might play some easter hymns like christ the lord is risen today, crown him with many crowns, and it is well with my soul! I might want to do them for an easter medley! I am about to be on my way to HPU here in a few minutes! I will see you in fifteen minutes! I am just about to get a drink of water and head out of here! I will ttyl bye father!!!!!!! :-)
I notice that he is foregoing the capitalization process in his texts although he still needs to be complete in everything else. The ttyl is a good sign overall I think. While I miss the precision a little (since that was part of the charm of Joel's earlier texts), I think his lack of precision is actually a good sign. It has been said by Temple Grandin that autism improves slowly over a period of time. I believe this is due to the ability to cope and find ways to fit into a world that otherwise does not make sense. Sort of an ability to be a successful actor in order for others to accept you into their world.
Perhaps Joel is finding a way to pretend he is normal and find a way to adjust to the strange world in which he finds himself.
Hey dad is my coat that i bought at j.c. Penney back from the cleaners? I am wanting to wear it sunday at church! What are you going to wear this sunday dad? I am going to wear all black this sunday? It is supposed to get really cold this weekend! I think it is supposed to snow on sunday again! I am ready to have the ultimate snowball fight and build a really big snowman with sticks and a stick for a nose and a hate a scarf for buttons for eyes mouth and shirt and my tie around its neck! I am just ready to play the organ at church around jacob's spring break! I might play some easter hymns like christ the lord is risen today, crown him with many crowns, and it is well with my soul! I might want to do them for an easter medley! I am about to be on my way to HPU here in a few minutes! I will see you in fifteen minutes! I am just about to get a drink of water and head out of here! I will ttyl bye father!!!!!!! :-)
I notice that he is foregoing the capitalization process in his texts although he still needs to be complete in everything else. The ttyl is a good sign overall I think. While I miss the precision a little (since that was part of the charm of Joel's earlier texts), I think his lack of precision is actually a good sign. It has been said by Temple Grandin that autism improves slowly over a period of time. I believe this is due to the ability to cope and find ways to fit into a world that otherwise does not make sense. Sort of an ability to be a successful actor in order for others to accept you into their world.
Perhaps Joel is finding a way to pretend he is normal and find a way to adjust to the strange world in which he finds himself.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
New suit and steps
Tired of Joel using my pants (we are close to the same size in pants in spite of his being taller and thinner), because of his insistence on wearing black, pleated pants, I finally convinced him it was time to buy some new ones. Expanding this concept to a complete suit, it was with great anticipation that we headed to J.C. Penney to buy new clothes, clothes that would hopefully prevent him from getting my clothes out of my closet!
On the way it occurred to me to ask him some questions about work. He works every afternoon in the public library putting away books that have been placed on the cart. Some days he puts away as many as 70 while other days it is around 30. The books range from fiction to reference to children's books. He says he has NEVER placed a book in the wrong place and he further insists he knows the location of every book in the library. As we talked, I asked him if putting the books away, required many steps. He said yes and said sometimes just 300 steps but other days as much as 700. A little surprised, although I probably should not be, I asked him if he counted his steps everyday. He said yes.
More questioning revealed that he has counted his steps in various locations and various trips for ten years. There are about 350 steps from my office to the cafeteria, 450 from the library to the church, 200 from church to my office. Having never given much thought to the number of steps from one place to another, I realized that for Joel, in many ways, every step is victory! Never easy for him, as he journeys, he is accomplishing something special and positive. Maybe we should all consider our steps along the way.
Back to the suit. Walking into Penney's and heading for the men's section, Joel reminded me of the need to find pleated pants and a matching coat. This should have been a clue to the upcoming events. We proceeded to look at nearly every pair of black pants hanging or folded on the shelves. Identifying the pleated ones, we then could not seem to settle on the size. I kept mentioning that he probably was a 32/34, but he kept insisting he was a 34/32. I did say that a waist size of 33 was probably about right and he agreed. We found some black 33/34 that were perfect but couldn't find a matching coat. I found some 34/32 and matching coat but he was not happy. On and on, until finally I just said to buy whatever he wanted. This is a typical reaction to the frustrations he presents.
In the end, he found a nice matching suit with pleated pants. We paid and went home where I collapsed on the couch. Of course, he was happy and got dressed in his new suit for the band banquet. At the banquet, he spilled guacamole on his new coat which is currently at the cleaners!
On the way it occurred to me to ask him some questions about work. He works every afternoon in the public library putting away books that have been placed on the cart. Some days he puts away as many as 70 while other days it is around 30. The books range from fiction to reference to children's books. He says he has NEVER placed a book in the wrong place and he further insists he knows the location of every book in the library. As we talked, I asked him if putting the books away, required many steps. He said yes and said sometimes just 300 steps but other days as much as 700. A little surprised, although I probably should not be, I asked him if he counted his steps everyday. He said yes.
More questioning revealed that he has counted his steps in various locations and various trips for ten years. There are about 350 steps from my office to the cafeteria, 450 from the library to the church, 200 from church to my office. Having never given much thought to the number of steps from one place to another, I realized that for Joel, in many ways, every step is victory! Never easy for him, as he journeys, he is accomplishing something special and positive. Maybe we should all consider our steps along the way.
Back to the suit. Walking into Penney's and heading for the men's section, Joel reminded me of the need to find pleated pants and a matching coat. This should have been a clue to the upcoming events. We proceeded to look at nearly every pair of black pants hanging or folded on the shelves. Identifying the pleated ones, we then could not seem to settle on the size. I kept mentioning that he probably was a 32/34, but he kept insisting he was a 34/32. I did say that a waist size of 33 was probably about right and he agreed. We found some black 33/34 that were perfect but couldn't find a matching coat. I found some 34/32 and matching coat but he was not happy. On and on, until finally I just said to buy whatever he wanted. This is a typical reaction to the frustrations he presents.
In the end, he found a nice matching suit with pleated pants. We paid and went home where I collapsed on the couch. Of course, he was happy and got dressed in his new suit for the band banquet. At the banquet, he spilled guacamole on his new coat which is currently at the cleaners!
Friday, February 05, 2010
Two Razors
He could not get past the fact that two razors instead of one were in the shower. It caused him great consternation, leading to an total interruption of the process of showering, resulting in emotional grief unlike anything experienced in a long time.
As an autistic 20 year old, Joel relies on routine and established expectations for his general practice and behavior. Although somewhat flexible in certain situations, it is usually in circumstances where there is not an expected routine or expected ordering of events. Were we to set out on an adventure to the mall or the lake or to another city, because Joel is not sure what to expect, he prescribes his lack of anticipation. He decides in advance that his world cannot be ordered so it then becomes comfortable to adjust to the circumstances. Yet if he knows what to expect, has pre-ordered said events, prescribed the details in his mind, then his world gets rocked when the system is altered.
He plans the event unless the plan is not to have a plan. In a general sense, he enjoys knowing where we are going and what we are going to do, but he has no need to know the specifics. Yet, we must be careful for to present the specific information would be to set him up for despair. For example, we may make a trip to Abilene to go shopping. We leave this idea "open" to an extent so as not to have him order the shopping events and prescribe where we are going exactly, how we will proceed, and exactly what will happen. To do so is to guarantee tension when the plans are altered. The plan then is to have no plan which is fine with Joel.
But when there is a plan, and it is outlined specifically, then we must follow it. While routine is necessary in Joel's world, it can also be a little frustrating. Such was the case with the two razors in the shower.
Altering Joel's expectations creates a huge teeter-totter of insecurity and one that is only settled by putting the situation back in his control. Although he operates rationally and objectively, often devoid of emotion based decisions, when his expectations are not met, logical rational explanations do not solve the problem. He sees the two razors in the shower and expecting only one (and it must be the right one), gets very upset and demands the removal of the wrong one. My suspicion is that had we not removed it, he would have refused to shave and justified his refusal by the presence of the two razors.
Using the situation as a "teachable moment" would have been a total failure. While part of me wanted to explain that two razors are better than one or that two razors signifies the possibility that one is becoming dull or that he has a right to choose which one he wants or that life doesn't always work out the way we want, I also recognized that removing the unwanted object would quickly solve the problem. So I did and all was well. He shaved and came out happy.
We continue to make effort to educate Joel how to deal with those happenstance events that are out of our and his control and to help him cope with the unexpected, to be flexible, to make "lemonade out of lemons." Yet in spite of our continued and dedicated effort, there are times when the best approach is to fix the problem and go on. Such is the complicate world of parenting an autistic child. It can be quite entertaining, or quite frightening, but it is always something new!
As an autistic 20 year old, Joel relies on routine and established expectations for his general practice and behavior. Although somewhat flexible in certain situations, it is usually in circumstances where there is not an expected routine or expected ordering of events. Were we to set out on an adventure to the mall or the lake or to another city, because Joel is not sure what to expect, he prescribes his lack of anticipation. He decides in advance that his world cannot be ordered so it then becomes comfortable to adjust to the circumstances. Yet if he knows what to expect, has pre-ordered said events, prescribed the details in his mind, then his world gets rocked when the system is altered.
He plans the event unless the plan is not to have a plan. In a general sense, he enjoys knowing where we are going and what we are going to do, but he has no need to know the specifics. Yet, we must be careful for to present the specific information would be to set him up for despair. For example, we may make a trip to Abilene to go shopping. We leave this idea "open" to an extent so as not to have him order the shopping events and prescribe where we are going exactly, how we will proceed, and exactly what will happen. To do so is to guarantee tension when the plans are altered. The plan then is to have no plan which is fine with Joel.
But when there is a plan, and it is outlined specifically, then we must follow it. While routine is necessary in Joel's world, it can also be a little frustrating. Such was the case with the two razors in the shower.
Altering Joel's expectations creates a huge teeter-totter of insecurity and one that is only settled by putting the situation back in his control. Although he operates rationally and objectively, often devoid of emotion based decisions, when his expectations are not met, logical rational explanations do not solve the problem. He sees the two razors in the shower and expecting only one (and it must be the right one), gets very upset and demands the removal of the wrong one. My suspicion is that had we not removed it, he would have refused to shave and justified his refusal by the presence of the two razors.
Using the situation as a "teachable moment" would have been a total failure. While part of me wanted to explain that two razors are better than one or that two razors signifies the possibility that one is becoming dull or that he has a right to choose which one he wants or that life doesn't always work out the way we want, I also recognized that removing the unwanted object would quickly solve the problem. So I did and all was well. He shaved and came out happy.
We continue to make effort to educate Joel how to deal with those happenstance events that are out of our and his control and to help him cope with the unexpected, to be flexible, to make "lemonade out of lemons." Yet in spite of our continued and dedicated effort, there are times when the best approach is to fix the problem and go on. Such is the complicate world of parenting an autistic child. It can be quite entertaining, or quite frightening, but it is always something new!
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