Well, I guess I have changed. Thank goodness for that, but it still confuses me a touch. Last week I attended a reunion of sorts. A group of band guys from college gathered to pay honor to our director, a fine man of great integrity and man who tolerated much immaturity from guys who took quite awhile to grow up. Approximately 30 years ago, a young, very thin, long-haired french horn player arrived on the scene full of the kind of naive confused arrogance and energy that often accompanies fairly bright, creative but slightly rebellious teenagers.
But be not dismayed (or disappointed), this entry is not a confession of sins or acknowledgment of past mistakes. Instead this is actually the story of change. It became obvious to me when I walked in and received several odd stares from the friends of long ago. I am different. I know it to be true but have an imagined sense that maybe the thin good-looking guy of yesteryear is still the same. I mean I feel the same I think. I think the same I guess. I respond the same, sort of. But I suppose I don't look the same.
I approached one gentleman whom I remembered as a good friend, having played in his wedding and peripherally through other acquaintances, kept up with his life. I shook his hand, named his name, smiled my charming smile and he said, "Now remind me again who you are!" Although somewhat taken aback, and wanting to leave immediately, I kept my smile and named my name. He said "Oh yes, of course, you were in my wedding." He was a little embarrassed and laughed.
Okay, the truth hurts. I am bald, overweight, wrinkled, and not near as spirited. The impish quest for a contrarian activity, the simmering mischief, the sly rebellion, rather than being overt, has gone underground and replaced with respectability, at least to an extent. From edgy independence to refined conformity is not an easy travel, and I sometimes wonder about the journey. I think in some mystical way, I may miss that odd creative and yes, arrogant kid who didn't always understand the world but sure enjoyed putting his toe in it!
Am I changed physically? Yes, and most of us flirting with our 50s can say the same. But have I changed internally as well? Yes, no question about it. Are the inside changes being reflected on the outside? I think the answer is certainly yes and in most ways I am glad. For now I am a University Dean in a private school where refinement, excellence, thoughtfulness, responsibility, and expectations are high. A place I am fortunate to be and a place that has helped shape me into a mature man with a higher sense of purpose in the world.
Back to the reunion. I believe the immature, confused student from the past is mostly gone, and I am mostly glad. Yet perhaps in the vestiges of the dusty regions, hidden by walls, around corners, and rarely found lies the impish curiosity that makes for great zeal of life. It all forms me and makes me wonder which Rob will emerge victorious in the end! Probably both.
Perhaps the best product of this reunion was not the personal acknowledgment of my or anyone's changes in life, but rather the opportunity to give honor to Lawson Hager, my mentor, my director, my teacher, and my friend. A special man indeed and we (anyone who had him as a director) are better people today due to his integrity, patience, and compassion for a much undeserved group of people. He is much appreciated.
