We continue to receive long texts from Joel that are both informative and useful.
Hey dad is my coat that i bought at j.c. Penney back from the cleaners? I am wanting to wear it sunday at church! What are you going to wear this sunday dad? I am going to wear all black this sunday? It is supposed to get really cold this weekend! I think it is supposed to snow on sunday again! I am ready to have the ultimate snowball fight and build a really big snowman with sticks and a stick for a nose and a hate a scarf for buttons for eyes mouth and shirt and my tie around its neck! I am just ready to play the organ at church around jacob's spring break! I might play some easter hymns like christ the lord is risen today, crown him with many crowns, and it is well with my soul! I might want to do them for an easter medley! I am about to be on my way to HPU here in a few minutes! I will see you in fifteen minutes! I am just about to get a drink of water and head out of here! I will ttyl bye father!!!!!!! :-)
I notice that he is foregoing the capitalization process in his texts although he still needs to be complete in everything else. The ttyl is a good sign overall I think. While I miss the precision a little (since that was part of the charm of Joel's earlier texts), I think his lack of precision is actually a good sign. It has been said by Temple Grandin that autism improves slowly over a period of time. I believe this is due to the ability to cope and find ways to fit into a world that otherwise does not make sense. Sort of an ability to be a successful actor in order for others to accept you into their world.
Perhaps Joel is finding a way to pretend he is normal and find a way to adjust to the strange world in which he finds himself.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
New suit and steps
Tired of Joel using my pants (we are close to the same size in pants in spite of his being taller and thinner), because of his insistence on wearing black, pleated pants, I finally convinced him it was time to buy some new ones. Expanding this concept to a complete suit, it was with great anticipation that we headed to J.C. Penney to buy new clothes, clothes that would hopefully prevent him from getting my clothes out of my closet!
On the way it occurred to me to ask him some questions about work. He works every afternoon in the public library putting away books that have been placed on the cart. Some days he puts away as many as 70 while other days it is around 30. The books range from fiction to reference to children's books. He says he has NEVER placed a book in the wrong place and he further insists he knows the location of every book in the library. As we talked, I asked him if putting the books away, required many steps. He said yes and said sometimes just 300 steps but other days as much as 700. A little surprised, although I probably should not be, I asked him if he counted his steps everyday. He said yes.
More questioning revealed that he has counted his steps in various locations and various trips for ten years. There are about 350 steps from my office to the cafeteria, 450 from the library to the church, 200 from church to my office. Having never given much thought to the number of steps from one place to another, I realized that for Joel, in many ways, every step is victory! Never easy for him, as he journeys, he is accomplishing something special and positive. Maybe we should all consider our steps along the way.
Back to the suit. Walking into Penney's and heading for the men's section, Joel reminded me of the need to find pleated pants and a matching coat. This should have been a clue to the upcoming events. We proceeded to look at nearly every pair of black pants hanging or folded on the shelves. Identifying the pleated ones, we then could not seem to settle on the size. I kept mentioning that he probably was a 32/34, but he kept insisting he was a 34/32. I did say that a waist size of 33 was probably about right and he agreed. We found some black 33/34 that were perfect but couldn't find a matching coat. I found some 34/32 and matching coat but he was not happy. On and on, until finally I just said to buy whatever he wanted. This is a typical reaction to the frustrations he presents.
In the end, he found a nice matching suit with pleated pants. We paid and went home where I collapsed on the couch. Of course, he was happy and got dressed in his new suit for the band banquet. At the banquet, he spilled guacamole on his new coat which is currently at the cleaners!
On the way it occurred to me to ask him some questions about work. He works every afternoon in the public library putting away books that have been placed on the cart. Some days he puts away as many as 70 while other days it is around 30. The books range from fiction to reference to children's books. He says he has NEVER placed a book in the wrong place and he further insists he knows the location of every book in the library. As we talked, I asked him if putting the books away, required many steps. He said yes and said sometimes just 300 steps but other days as much as 700. A little surprised, although I probably should not be, I asked him if he counted his steps everyday. He said yes.
More questioning revealed that he has counted his steps in various locations and various trips for ten years. There are about 350 steps from my office to the cafeteria, 450 from the library to the church, 200 from church to my office. Having never given much thought to the number of steps from one place to another, I realized that for Joel, in many ways, every step is victory! Never easy for him, as he journeys, he is accomplishing something special and positive. Maybe we should all consider our steps along the way.
Back to the suit. Walking into Penney's and heading for the men's section, Joel reminded me of the need to find pleated pants and a matching coat. This should have been a clue to the upcoming events. We proceeded to look at nearly every pair of black pants hanging or folded on the shelves. Identifying the pleated ones, we then could not seem to settle on the size. I kept mentioning that he probably was a 32/34, but he kept insisting he was a 34/32. I did say that a waist size of 33 was probably about right and he agreed. We found some black 33/34 that were perfect but couldn't find a matching coat. I found some 34/32 and matching coat but he was not happy. On and on, until finally I just said to buy whatever he wanted. This is a typical reaction to the frustrations he presents.
In the end, he found a nice matching suit with pleated pants. We paid and went home where I collapsed on the couch. Of course, he was happy and got dressed in his new suit for the band banquet. At the banquet, he spilled guacamole on his new coat which is currently at the cleaners!
Friday, February 05, 2010
Two Razors
He could not get past the fact that two razors instead of one were in the shower. It caused him great consternation, leading to an total interruption of the process of showering, resulting in emotional grief unlike anything experienced in a long time.
As an autistic 20 year old, Joel relies on routine and established expectations for his general practice and behavior. Although somewhat flexible in certain situations, it is usually in circumstances where there is not an expected routine or expected ordering of events. Were we to set out on an adventure to the mall or the lake or to another city, because Joel is not sure what to expect, he prescribes his lack of anticipation. He decides in advance that his world cannot be ordered so it then becomes comfortable to adjust to the circumstances. Yet if he knows what to expect, has pre-ordered said events, prescribed the details in his mind, then his world gets rocked when the system is altered.
He plans the event unless the plan is not to have a plan. In a general sense, he enjoys knowing where we are going and what we are going to do, but he has no need to know the specifics. Yet, we must be careful for to present the specific information would be to set him up for despair. For example, we may make a trip to Abilene to go shopping. We leave this idea "open" to an extent so as not to have him order the shopping events and prescribe where we are going exactly, how we will proceed, and exactly what will happen. To do so is to guarantee tension when the plans are altered. The plan then is to have no plan which is fine with Joel.
But when there is a plan, and it is outlined specifically, then we must follow it. While routine is necessary in Joel's world, it can also be a little frustrating. Such was the case with the two razors in the shower.
Altering Joel's expectations creates a huge teeter-totter of insecurity and one that is only settled by putting the situation back in his control. Although he operates rationally and objectively, often devoid of emotion based decisions, when his expectations are not met, logical rational explanations do not solve the problem. He sees the two razors in the shower and expecting only one (and it must be the right one), gets very upset and demands the removal of the wrong one. My suspicion is that had we not removed it, he would have refused to shave and justified his refusal by the presence of the two razors.
Using the situation as a "teachable moment" would have been a total failure. While part of me wanted to explain that two razors are better than one or that two razors signifies the possibility that one is becoming dull or that he has a right to choose which one he wants or that life doesn't always work out the way we want, I also recognized that removing the unwanted object would quickly solve the problem. So I did and all was well. He shaved and came out happy.
We continue to make effort to educate Joel how to deal with those happenstance events that are out of our and his control and to help him cope with the unexpected, to be flexible, to make "lemonade out of lemons." Yet in spite of our continued and dedicated effort, there are times when the best approach is to fix the problem and go on. Such is the complicate world of parenting an autistic child. It can be quite entertaining, or quite frightening, but it is always something new!
As an autistic 20 year old, Joel relies on routine and established expectations for his general practice and behavior. Although somewhat flexible in certain situations, it is usually in circumstances where there is not an expected routine or expected ordering of events. Were we to set out on an adventure to the mall or the lake or to another city, because Joel is not sure what to expect, he prescribes his lack of anticipation. He decides in advance that his world cannot be ordered so it then becomes comfortable to adjust to the circumstances. Yet if he knows what to expect, has pre-ordered said events, prescribed the details in his mind, then his world gets rocked when the system is altered.
He plans the event unless the plan is not to have a plan. In a general sense, he enjoys knowing where we are going and what we are going to do, but he has no need to know the specifics. Yet, we must be careful for to present the specific information would be to set him up for despair. For example, we may make a trip to Abilene to go shopping. We leave this idea "open" to an extent so as not to have him order the shopping events and prescribe where we are going exactly, how we will proceed, and exactly what will happen. To do so is to guarantee tension when the plans are altered. The plan then is to have no plan which is fine with Joel.
But when there is a plan, and it is outlined specifically, then we must follow it. While routine is necessary in Joel's world, it can also be a little frustrating. Such was the case with the two razors in the shower.
Altering Joel's expectations creates a huge teeter-totter of insecurity and one that is only settled by putting the situation back in his control. Although he operates rationally and objectively, often devoid of emotion based decisions, when his expectations are not met, logical rational explanations do not solve the problem. He sees the two razors in the shower and expecting only one (and it must be the right one), gets very upset and demands the removal of the wrong one. My suspicion is that had we not removed it, he would have refused to shave and justified his refusal by the presence of the two razors.
Using the situation as a "teachable moment" would have been a total failure. While part of me wanted to explain that two razors are better than one or that two razors signifies the possibility that one is becoming dull or that he has a right to choose which one he wants or that life doesn't always work out the way we want, I also recognized that removing the unwanted object would quickly solve the problem. So I did and all was well. He shaved and came out happy.
We continue to make effort to educate Joel how to deal with those happenstance events that are out of our and his control and to help him cope with the unexpected, to be flexible, to make "lemonade out of lemons." Yet in spite of our continued and dedicated effort, there are times when the best approach is to fix the problem and go on. Such is the complicate world of parenting an autistic child. It can be quite entertaining, or quite frightening, but it is always something new!
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