Paragraph bytes for today

Not feeling overly profound but nevertheless needing to write something, I am offering a little information about the past week.

We lost a great man this week. His name was Dann Barger and I really held him in high regard for his humanitarian efforts, his Christian commitment, his personality, and his general demeanor. He died of cancer this week. Thinking about him, I recall his efforts to get me to stop biting my fingernails, a habit that has been a necessary part of my life since childhood. I want to stop but just can't. Dann's method was to address one finger at a time. He held me accountable and I was able to quit on three fingers. But alas I traveled for a few weeks, didn't see him, and fell into the old habits again. Concerned he would be critical, I hesitated to show him. Yet in his patient and firm way, he told me to start over. I think it is time to recommit myself to this project of ending the nail biting.

Dann shared his wisdom, compassion, money, Christianity, and personality with everyone he met. He made the world a better place and helped thousands upon thousands of people, educated and uneducated, rich and poor, regardless of color, background, or attitude. He was absolutely unswerving in his devotion to others. I recall a situation where a man in prison asked to see me. The man had become somewhat obsessed with me and wanted to say some things to me. I was willing to go until Dann advised otherwise. He believed that my visiting the man would ultimately create further problems for him related to the other inmates. Dann was able to think beyond the obvious and delve into the complexities of relationships by always asking the question, "What is best for that individual?" I will miss Dann greatly and want to be more like him.

The board of directors of www.rareandnew.com met for the first time the other day. While they were excited about the new company, several expressed concern to the CEO. Apparently the CEO has not been proactive in holding the departments accountable. The result is low (actually no profits) profits and too much expense. The board encouraged the marketing department, sales, products, accounting, and distribution departments to be more efficient. The entire board was concerned with the poor quality of employees and the lack of productivity.

A man shot himself yesterday. He apparently was struggling with depression. We are not sure why he did this or what the problem was exactly. I feel saddened by the news and wish to do a better job of identifying anyone with depression problems, seeking to help anyone to avoid suicidal thoughts or actions. Life is so precious and so short that we must live it to our fullest each day.

Just finished another Parker book and am about to write another book review. My goal is to have 100 book reviews on Amazon. After my 100 I may get more selective about which books to review. I have always loved modern fiction but lately have found myself more interested in history and biography.

Today is brisket day. I am smoking two briskets, one for a friend and one for us. My system is exhausting but rewarding as well. I soak them in Dr. Pepper all night long, then place them on a hot smoker for about an hour or more. Then I slather them in barbecue sauce, olive oil, cooking wine and wrap them in foil for another 5-6 hours. I keep the smoker fairly hot most of the time until the last hour or so. I then keep them wrapped for about 2-4 hours before cutting. I then serve--pretty darn good stuff.

Listening to the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1. I love this piece and am amazed by the beauty and energy of the 2nd movement. Wonderful music in all respects with an emotional power and sensitivity not often found in concertos of the time.

Back to www.rareandnew.com. I am the owner, CEO, board of directors, marketing agent, sales department, distribution, and accountant. So far my business has gone nowhere with no sales at all. This could be the way it is. Kind of sad but also funny in a way!

Religious Division

Lately I have been a little discouraged with the division that exists in churches today, across denominations, and within the same basic belief system. Friendships ruined, families divided, institutions polarized, and nations at war. There are many causes of division which can range from major doctrinal disagreements to slight Biblical interpretations including practice and even human behavior. Color of carpet, size of sound systems, organ, piano, drums, guitar, screen, teenagers, children, older adults and the list goes on and on with division leading the way.

I as a classic moderate seeking after divine truth but open to Biblical interpretation with application today, continually marvel at how a simple, personal belief can wreak havoc on relationships, severing them completely and irrevocably. It is just downright sad. Yet it is also understandable when we consider the human spirit. So many things in life are simply preference of the individual from the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the music we hear, the relationships we build, all help shape the idea of individuality over collectivism.

But it seems that the more we establish a standard of beliefs, practice, or acceptance, the more likely we are to exclude an individual or group. For example, if a person only likes chicken and does not like hamburgers, then he casts a net of rejection over all cafes serving hamburgers. He may then, inadvertently, extend that rejection to anyone frequenting those establishments serving hamburgers. In his rejection of a person's preference, he focuses on the individual, grouping that person in the "other" camp, thereby polarizing the position of chicken versus hamburgers. All rather silly since it simply involves taste, but it is real nevertheless.

Obviously food preference should not be compared with Kingdom issues and yet there is a correlation in that a person's taste or preference simply defines the individual. In religion however, we attempt to serve the individual and create the collective at the same time, wanting to group together the individual choices made and call them denominations, reject those who don't think like we do. Silly yes, but real nevertheless.

While I do not wish to water down the value of the spiritual or get mired into the mediocrity of the lower common denominator, at the same time I do desire for our faith to unify us, not separate us. To that end, I will choose my own theology based on study, prayer, knowledge, and teaching. In doing so, I will reject the theology that is different, but I will NOT reject the people taking a different road to the same goal. Perhaps I will be the rejected one, but regardless, let it not be said that I did the rejecting of the person. Authoring peace and harmony, I may be accused of flexible standards occasionally or of embracing love over war or of accepting those who are missing the mark or of rejoicing over the consonance rather than the voluminous dissonance, disagreements are usually louder than agreements. But if I am accused of such things, then may I indeed be guilty, for division in religion cannot be healthy.

I preach and teach harmony as a result of many congruent melodies operating within a social context. To my friends and family who practice and believe something slightly different I say yes we have our preferences, but let's continue to make music!

More on performing

After reading my last entry, I decided to write something a little more positive. True that performing has been an albatross on my neck at times, partially due to my own demands and partially due to my abilities. Not in his league yet able to relate to his feelings, Pablo Casals, the great cellist once said after falling and breaking his hand, "I'll never have to play the cello again!" Being good at something is a double-edged sword, one that brings great pleasure and great burden simultaneously.

That said, I have been blessed to have the opportunity to play my horn in outstanding orchestras all my life--El Paso, Cincinnati, Dayton, Midland, Lake Charles, San Angelo, Abilene, to name a few. Beethoven, Mahler, Brahms, Strauss, Stravinsky are but a few of the composers I have performed on a large scale. In addition, I have performed all the Mozart concertos at some point, the woodwind quintet repertoire, brass quintet repertoire, and a plethora of chamber music of all shapes and sizes. Add to this a vast amount of experience playing and conducting concert bands, and it all forms a pretty experienced horn performer.

I have played first horn as a soloist, 2nd, 3rd, and my personal favorite--4th horn (I like being last chair!). I have rejoiced in the amazing performances of great pieces, and sweated through the difficult ones. I have had funny events in performance, dramatic events, emotional moments, apathetic ones, dull ones, and tremendously moving ones. It has been and hopefully will continue to be an exciting career as a performer. I intend to keep my horn active when possible and not let it collect too much dust. When I hold it, it feels like an old friend and I find myself immediately drawn into the relationship of comfort. We have been together through thick and thin, richer and poorer, in sickness and health (okay, getting a little weird I know!).

Deep down, in spite of my topsy-turvy emotions of horn playing, I feel lucky to have the ability to play and blessed to have had experiences that in many ways are like dreams. I often thank the Lord for giving me the things I need "the family, the job, the friends, and the horn!"

Performing Music

Spending my life as a performing musician has been and continues to be full of great joy mingled with extreme anxiety. In my teens and onward through my twenties, I experienced excessive performance anxiety nearly all the time on stage. The symptoms ranged from shaking to breathing problems to a near catatonic state of neurological misfiring. Often unable to speak, feeling like an impending stroke, and wondering if the shimmering waves of death were upon me, I played my horn with dread, anticipating the conclusion so I could live in the normal world again until the next time.

Part of the problem of my performance anxiety, in addition to my excessive adrenalin and desire for perfection, is my need to be better than last time. Each performance should provide a basket full of musical lessons that can be applied for the next performance. In this manner, a lifetime of performances ought to result in perfection at some point. Yet for me, the elusive dream of flawless performance seemed to slowly but surely be unattainable. And in truth it is. I can never be good enough in that there is always room for improvement. Intonation, articulation, phrasing, technique, communication, dynamics, precision, expression, accuracy. All of these and more must get better at each performance.

This kind of commitment causes an inevitable neurosis of confusion for a performer. The need to be bold like a lion yet sensitive like a lamb adds to the myriad demands, not to mention the expectations of others. For me it has both added to and subtracted from the joy of music. My dissatisfaction with myself as a musician has torn me into emotional shreds while teaching me to accept the ultimate truth of imperfection being okay. So I dedicate myself to excellence, offer my best, work diligently for it, present it, and then let it go.

The result is a deepening awareness of my own failings but also a greater sense of the joy of making music. I cannot be perfect but I can love what I do. Ultimately it is about communicating and manifesting to the world what is inside. And as my friend Mike Ewald used to say, "Keep your mind, your body, your music, and your spiritual life strong by working on them constantly."

Performance anxiety gone replaced by joy--as it should be! That said, I need to practice more to be ready for the next gig.

More on composing music

Being an intermittent, not so prolific composer since the age of 15, I often vacillate between the euphoria of a public performance of my music and the discouragement of few to no performances of my music. This is not to say I haven't had some success. I have five official publications, many commissions, and a portfolio of music that would be the envy of many composers. My music has been performed throughout Texas, Louisiana, and even Arkansas. I have heard of performances in other states but have not received official documentation for those.

I am comfortable writing in a wide variety of genres, styles, instrumentation, and forms. My music has moments of darkness, profundity, complexity, and intellectualism for the educated elite. Other times my music is fun, light, shimmering with joyful energy, with an attempt to cast the net broadly and reach the masses. I like wide dynamic contrasts and find myself writing in extremes--fast, slow, loud, soft, dark, light. Influenced by modern culture yet steeped in the classics, my music ranges from Mozart-like and Brahmsish to 70's rock and jazz. The objective fastidiousness of Messiaen, Webern, and Boulez also creeps in at times in my music.

Yet I continually question not just my abilities but mostly my purpose in writing music at all. Do people really care that much about it? Am I altering the world in any way with my musical expressions? Is it worth the effort?

I write music because it is in me to write. I do not write for the money (and it's a darn good thing too!), I do not write because I have something new to say (much of my music sounds like other things heard I suspect), and I do not write because anyone makes me. I write music because I have to for my own satisfaction.

As said before, each piece I finish feels like an extraction of part of my heart and soul. I reach down deep and give part of myself to the world. As I feel exhausted and partially lost from the outpouring of my soul, at the same moment, I feel invigorated, with my batteries getting recharged. I lose and gain from every piece.

So in spite of my general lack of compositional success, I forge ahead, needing to write what lies inside, hoping something will catch on, and seeking at least to an extent a little public affirmation and appreciation for the next Tucker piece!

A bit of whining

I am not a whiner normally. Like anybody, I do get a little down here and there, but try to keep myself going through exercise, reading, writing, and various academic disciplines. But I would like to take a moment to whine a little. I am not whining, however that for the second year in a row, I was not announced as a dean at our commencement ceremony. I believe it was just an oversight on the officials part and I simply was not on the script. When it happened today, I should have been hurt and disappointed, but honestly I was not. It did not bother me at all (I think my family members were upset a little), shrugging it off as a mistake. I do not need public affirmation for my status or position in life. Were I a millionaire, I would have no personal need for anyone to know. Were I the President of the university or a CEO of a large corporation or a brain surgeon, I would have no ego need to be affirmed for my position or any attainments that have been achieved. Status is earned from productivity and achievement, making the production much more valuable than the position.

Yet in contrast, and here is where I start whining, last year I wrote a piece of music for the commencement. Polite applause followed the performance of the song for soprano and piano and I received a total of two compliments after the ceremony. It was and continues to be difficult to be aware that the piece I wrote was not well-received (particularly since I think it is very strong piece of music), and hard for me to realize that nobody really cares about the amount of work it takes to write a piece of music. If I cannot be affirmed for the actual piece, perhaps someone could acknowledge effort?

So once again I wrote another piece for the commencement this year. Except this year was a vibrant, shimmering arrangement of a familiar hymn. It zinged along at a fast pace, expressing the joy of the Almighty King, replete with a wide range of dynamics and rhythmic energy. My name was in the program but nothing was said that the Dean of Music wrote the piece and it was a premiere performance.

Admittedly I wrote the piece in about a week, but it was still an outpouring of what is in me. Every time I write a new piece, I feel as though I have both lost and gained a part of me. My music is a manifestation of my emotions, my thoughts, my reflection, and my world-view. This means that each time it comes forth, I have given part of me to the world, yet gained an opportunity to cleanse myself of those expressions.

Knowing though that I am probably an average composer, and that my music will not survive the test of time, I often wish I would be affirmed not for my status or position, which has very little meaning to me, but rather for my production. For when I leave this earth, I want to give two things back to the world: my family and my work. My family in the form of my sons, their wives, and eventually their children. My work in the form of writing words and music. And therefore I request of those who know me to acknowledge my external musical and literary expressions, giving respect to the effort to create something, offering acknowledgment for the time spent and the emotions portrayed. The light of the world shines on those who discard self-pity and selflessly reach out in goodness, so please forgive my pathetic whining. Every now and then I think I need it.