More on composing music

Being an intermittent, not so prolific composer since the age of 15, I often vacillate between the euphoria of a public performance of my music and the discouragement of few to no performances of my music. This is not to say I haven't had some success. I have five official publications, many commissions, and a portfolio of music that would be the envy of many composers. My music has been performed throughout Texas, Louisiana, and even Arkansas. I have heard of performances in other states but have not received official documentation for those.

I am comfortable writing in a wide variety of genres, styles, instrumentation, and forms. My music has moments of darkness, profundity, complexity, and intellectualism for the educated elite. Other times my music is fun, light, shimmering with joyful energy, with an attempt to cast the net broadly and reach the masses. I like wide dynamic contrasts and find myself writing in extremes--fast, slow, loud, soft, dark, light. Influenced by modern culture yet steeped in the classics, my music ranges from Mozart-like and Brahmsish to 70's rock and jazz. The objective fastidiousness of Messiaen, Webern, and Boulez also creeps in at times in my music.

Yet I continually question not just my abilities but mostly my purpose in writing music at all. Do people really care that much about it? Am I altering the world in any way with my musical expressions? Is it worth the effort?

I write music because it is in me to write. I do not write for the money (and it's a darn good thing too!), I do not write because I have something new to say (much of my music sounds like other things heard I suspect), and I do not write because anyone makes me. I write music because I have to for my own satisfaction.

As said before, each piece I finish feels like an extraction of part of my heart and soul. I reach down deep and give part of myself to the world. As I feel exhausted and partially lost from the outpouring of my soul, at the same moment, I feel invigorated, with my batteries getting recharged. I lose and gain from every piece.

So in spite of my general lack of compositional success, I forge ahead, needing to write what lies inside, hoping something will catch on, and seeking at least to an extent a little public affirmation and appreciation for the next Tucker piece!