Let Him Have His Moment

In the day to day and often murky waters of parenting, one of the toughest decisions to make is when to let the child have his way, his moment, his victory. Parents worry that giving in too much sends a message of constant capitulation and ease of life's journey, an artificial world that will inevitably be a jarring of the senses for the maturing child. The other extreme, however, sets up an autocratic governance where a child often feels undervalued and not permitted any kind of freedom for victory or making of mistakes. In general, for most parents, I subscribe to the idea of saying yes when possible and allow children their moment within the confines of safety and security. Yet, I have often reminded my children particularly in their younger years that our family is not a democracy and that parents get to make the decisions apart from any kind of voting privilege children think they have!

It comes back so often to balance of parenting--freedom vs. restriction. Usually the best course is somewhere in the middle, generously spiced and adorned with lots of love. One day they will be on their own, and they need to know how to make the right decision but to understand that the love of parents is always the overriding criterion for decisions. So parents worry that saying no too often will result in rebelliousness or saying yes too often will result a loss of authority. And we walk on the tightrope of parenting, hoping for the insights that will be best for the child, but never sacrificing safety and security along the way.

Now to the autistic child. All is different. The parenting skills are not the same. The philosophy is not the same and the thought processing is not the same. Raising an autistic child is markedly different from a normal child and the goals are unique. Do not try to assume you can be the same parent for a normal child as you are for the autistic child. The rules have changed.

To all those who are often judgmental of the so-called "bad" parents in the world, could it be you are observing a child with autism? A child who does not live in the same world as everyone else? Perhaps a parent who is struggling to make the puzzle pieces fit for the child? It reminds me of the old adage, "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes."

But parenting an autistic child is not an excuse for mediocre parenting. It is, instead, an opportunity to help a disabled child be safe, cope, learn, to be successful, to see the world in its totality, and find joy in the midst of the challenges, and yes, for the parent to feel successful as well. Too often we forget the depth of emotional distress that the parent experiences. For a parent to feel productive, loving, successful, he or she must experience some kind of affirmation for his or her efforts. While these affirming times are often intermittent, they can be quite euphoric.

But unlike a normal child, the autistic child is not necessarily being trained for independence, for that unaided flight to the world. Instead the autistic child is simply finding his niche, a way for him to fit into the world, likely with lots of help. Rather than worrying that "giving in" will somehow corrupt him forever, not allowing him to recognize authority or ill-preparing him for the challenges of the world, perhaps parents need to find those opportunities to allow for some degree of contentment. Give him his moment, for there are not very many of those.

Just like raising a normal child, parents must seek a balance between exerting authority and allow for some degree of independence. But unlike a normal child, the battle is not for quelling rebelliousness. The battle is for making the puzzle pieces fit. In the end, safety and security are the goals and raising a child is written on a tablet made of lots of love.