The Discarded Book

Several weeks of stressful situations and I was not in a very forgiving mood. Between student problems, angry faculty, frequent criticism, and concern about the future, I was not at my leadership best when I walked into the classroom. Seeing the same Geography book on the piano that had been there for several weeks disturbed me. It was a large paperback textbook and looked as though it had been used to prop something up or support another object. It was not in great shape and almost seemed like a large magazine to me. I once again asked the class why the book was there and to whom it belonged. Nobody knew.

Students are notorious for leaving things out and not taking care of business. We often find jackets, books, cases, and general items throughout the buildings in various locations. Always being sensitive to ownership, we try to take the item to the office, waiting for the owner to claim the item. But this particular day, I did not feel very warm toward the owner of the book. Assuming it had been forgotten, I picked it up and discarded it in the trash. As a book collector, I generally do not have much regard for paperback books due to their being mass produced and containing little inherent value. Had the book been a hardback, I likely would have been more considerate. Just trying to justify my actions a little.

But the truth is that I was wrong and did something a teacher should not do. I discarded the book, a despicable act at best. The act of a madman. Perhaps deep down I thought I was teaching the other students a lesson of some kind to take care of their belongings and be more responsible. Or perhaps I was reminding everyone to keep the building organized. Maybe my general disdain and misguided feelings toward paperbacks influenced me beyond reason. The likely reason, however, is that I expressed my stress in an inappropriate manner ill-fitting for any teacher and particularly heinous for an academic Dean. Somewhere in this true tale a psychologist would probably point out that my frustrations with academia in general and the tension of trying to be a successful dean, led me to discard the very reason I entered academia in the first place--a burning desire to learn more. Maybe my actions stemmed from childhood when I tended to act impulsively rather than cognitively. Maybe my moment of throwing away a book symbolized my frustrations with my own career and caused me to give up, at least momentarily.

Several hours after my act, I felt the guilt grow. Waking up in the middle of the night, I could almost feel the pain in me as I reflected on my actions. Did I really throw away a book? Why? To what end? I went to my personal library of over a 1,000 collectible books ranging from fiction to history to various topics and thought about my actions even more. The next day a young lady came to my office and asked for the lost and found. I mentioned that we did not have one but I would be glad to look for what she was seeking. She said she left a Geography book in a classroom and had used it to support a leg on a table. She was renting the book and needed to return it. I felt my desire to fabricate the truth jump into my head. I actually had an opportunity to claim ignorance or blame someone else. But, as usual, the truth prevailed and I told her what I had done. She humbly admitted she was wrong to have left it in the room and she left my office with a tear in her eye.

Guilt compounded upon guilt and soon I found myself emailing her to contact me so I could make restitution. I am hoping to find her and pay for the book or buy a new one. My guilt is now somewhat assuaged but not my own awareness of my mistake. In trying to teach a lesson to students, I taught one to myself. How often does this happen to us in academia? We have a serious responsibility to teach students and an obligation to move them from the known to the unknown, to empower them to learn on their own, to provide the skills and the tools to be successful in the world. To teach them to think critically, examine issues, analyze situations, love learning, apply their knowledge to a discipline. To be better people.

We have all done things we regret and often we wish to travel back in time to fix a mistake. Such is true of me. Yet there is no going back, only going forward. I make it my mantra to love learning in all its forms and avoid overreacting to a small situation. The responsibility to be a model example of excellence shimmers within me even more. Such is academic leadership, to strive to be a better person, a better teacher, and a wise leader.