Middle son Joel, disabled adult age 27, reminded me of the dance at his recreation center. Not remembering whether the dance started at 6 or 6:30, he was ready by 5:00. This is not atypical of Joel, autistic, precise about certain things, demanding about things he likes, stubborn, frustrating, wonderful, kind, compassionate, and people-oriented. He loves seeing people he knows, he enjoys making new friends, and mostly enjoys the experience of dancing. While I suspect he does not like the music, preferring instead to listen to classical symphonies, he is willing to accept the loud, drum beat for the sake of the others.
This particular dance was a pre-Halloween costume dance and Joel wanted to be a Ninja Turtle. Not going all out, we did get him a shirt and a mask for the occasion. I dropped him off at the center a little before 6:00 and decided to run some errands while he was dancing. Returning at 8:00, I entered the door, heard the music, and headed up some stairs. Looking first for Joel among the nearly 50 occupants, I began to take in the environment. The music was not overly aggressive and seemed to lean on the pop side of music with a teenage almost roller-rink sound. Not being a big fan of hard rock, I appreciated the light fun sounds and found myself grooving with the beat. I soon found myself giving way to a new type of freedom.
Being "Dr. Tucker" has its ups and downs, its expectations and its own set of intrigue at times. As a semi-public figure, I often feel scrutinized for not only my decisions but my actions as well. While this is paired with a certain amount of accountability it can also feel stifling in its presentation. As a 56 year old man with 4 degrees and the title Dean, my dignity must be upheld in all situations, at least that is what others prefer from me I suspect. This can also contribute, although I resist it, to a type of narcissism, even selfishness over time. It results in excessive caution, loss of creativity, boredom, and fear. Live life to its fullest as long as it is within the constraints that have been imposed by others.
Among those imposed inhibitions include the stifling of unbridled laughter, expressed joy, adventuresome spirit, and a myriad of emotions and actions that might be judged extreme. The youthful behavior of taking a risk or embracing one's own fear becomes squelched with aging and with societal expectations. Over time we internalize our inherent creativity and cautiously react with conservatism under the guise of wisdom or even elitism.
The dance was fun. Couples did not dance and there was no effort to "hook-up" with anyone, remaining single yet collective. All were dancing as they felt without judgment and without expectations. They were simply moving their bodies to music and expressing the joy of the moment. They were not watching each other nor reflecting on their presentation. They did not carry their sensitivity on their sleeves and they did harbor suspicions toward others. They did not furtively glance about, wondering who was criticizing them and neither did they make the slightest criticism of anybody else. They did not fear their reputation, their dignity, or other people's expectations. They had fun without remorse and without building up layers of problems for themselves or others. Their apathy about what people were thinking gave them the utmost dignity.
As I watched the group of disabled adults, I realized that joy is not about fulfilling somebody else's dream for you, but it is about fulfilling the emotional joy within yourself. Disabled adults and those with special needs are not bound by the constrictions of societal norms and are not harnessed by their own inhibitions. Instead they freely express what is in them which in some cases could be anger or sorrow or in other situations great happiness or surprise. If the music plays, so goes the body response. This is not the only way to express the feelings that music releases but it is a great way. Watching them dance and have fun provided a balance to my otherwise complex day.
Their disabilities are the ticket to freedom while so-called normal adults live in a strait jacket of fear, suspicion, and doubt. Who wins in the race for joy and happiness?
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