Who Is This Person?

Too often we spend our time reacting to other people, particularly those we love, being angry at their flaws, or hopefully loving their positive qualities. For those outside our immediate circle, we may be envious, or admiring, or full of disdain, but we rarely seem to understand or sympathize with their situation or even their own emotional condition. No, I am not teaching tolerance here, I am instead advocating a deeper understanding of human nature, autistics in particular.

From very small children to adults, rather than criticizing perhaps we should be empathizing or to take it another step further, maybe it is time for many of us to look at the world through the eyes of the challenged. The recent passing of a friend who was a blind trumpet player prompted me again to imagine a world without sight. How must that be? Each day I depend so much on my sight and my mind to process that which I see, from people to things, to this computer, to the vast array of colors, shapes, symbols that cross my path almost minute by minute. Not to have sight presents a world of darkness and imagination that must be entirely different from what sighted people experience daily.

I am not convinced that we as loving parents of our autistic son have ever truly understood his perspective on life. Sometimes I am not sure who he really is in fact. How does his brain process information, what does he see, hear, feel? We have worked so hard to help him cope and fit in to this crazy world, that maybe we have missed a thorough comprehension of Joel's inner sanctum. Yet while it is easy to acknowledge this possibility, it is far more challenging to fix the problem. Who is Joel?

I recall picking up one of those odd shopping baskets a few weeks ago that seemed to have a steering problem. While dwelling on the pitiful emotion of feeling like I always get the bad buggy, I began to compensate for its flaws. Yes I would have preferred a little more ease of mobility, and yes I had to use a touch of elbow grease to make it work well, but on the other hand, it beat having to carry cereal, coffee, meat, bread, and canned goods in my arms. The little cart struggled some but we worked together and came to some positive resolutions! Perhaps it was later repaired or perhaps someone else came along and shared in the challenging joy of steering the little guy.

At first I was frustrated that my cart did not work the way I had hoped. My concept of shopping carts did not include a bad wheel. But I compensated for the situation and after awhile, almost did not notice the problem. Unlike Joel, however, the cart could be repaired or at least get a new wheel. Joel cannot get a new brain. He may one day have the opportunity to have it repaired (although we are many years away from that kind of biotechnology I think), but for now he simply has to adjust for the inherent situation in which he lives. As parents and guardians we work to steer him in such a way as to stay on course and accomplish his goals, but ultimately he has to find a way to direct himself.

Since this is true, it is frustrating and in many ways futile to resist and try to change those characteristics that make Joel who he is. What does work is seeking to embrace his qualities and approach him in the way he approaches life, avoiding the abstract, creating an environment of trust, keeping things ordered and pleasant, and recognizing his limitations. This makes for a healthier and happier theater for him. A principle of teaching is somewhere in this essay--find him where he is and help him accomplish those things that will benefit him the most.